Living Our Happily Ever After
by alphadork
Summary: Edward and Bella are married and starting out their careers. Pure fluffy, lemony goodness. AU-Human.
1. Jerk It

**Hello readers. This is a fluffy little slice of lemon pie that popped into my head and was rather insistant on being written. I am alternating writing this story and my other story Gathering Dusk, so I expect to be updating about once a week.**

**I my mind this Edward and Bella are the same Edward and Bella from my Lemony Squickets story, but you don't have to have read that to understand this story.**

**Chapter titles will be taken from the song that I have running through my head when I write each chapter. Jerk It is by Thunderheist.  
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**I don't own Twilight.**

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**Someone was going to die. My money was on Alice.

Edward was finally finishing his medical residency. His accelerated years in medical school, countless hours of studying, 36 hour shifts, and one near nervous breakdown were finally going to pay off for him. Edward's father Carlisle had opened up a private practice back in Forks after Edward and Alice had graduated from high school. Edward was going to work alongside his father as a GP. I was going to commute to Port Angeles and Seattle on weekends to continue to shoot weddings. My art photography degree was earning me big bucks on the wedding circuit, but I wanted to devote more time to the art aspect of my career. I was looking forward to having more time to spend with my husband.

Alice was sad to see us leaving Seattle. She and her husband Jasper had built themselves a highly successful wedding planning business and they loved their life in the suburbs. They had recommended me as a last-minute replacement photographer for a bride whose photographer died the week before her wedding. I was two weeks away from graduating with a degree in Art Photography and a career was born. I was going to miss being able to pop over to visit my sister-in-law for coffee and giggles once Edward and I moved into our new home in Forks.

It was the impending move that led to my nightmare tonight.

Alice had declared that we needed one last girly night out before moving day next weekend. I should have been suspicious when Alice told me we could go out in our comfy clothes, no need to dress up. I was blissfully unaware of Alice's plans until she pulled up in front of what looked like a gym.

"Alice, why are we at the gym?" I asked, still ignorant of the torture ahead. Ignorance truly is bliss.

"Bella, do you trust me?" the little imp implored me with her Bambi eyes. My hesitation to answer seemed to break her heart. I swear I saw tears pooling in her large eyes.

"Most of the time," I replied honestly.

"When have I ever led you astray?" Alice questioned.

"There was the time you convinced me to wear stilettos to my wedding rehearsal to, 'practice for the real thing,'" I reminded her.

Alice had shown me the six inch heels moments before we were due to leave for the church. She had used all of her Jedi mind powers to craft a seemingly logical explanation for why I should wear the deathtraps. She explained that it would be so much easier for me to walk down the aisle in my three inch heels the next day if I could make it in the higher ones. She promised me I would be much less nervous about tripping down the aisle if I let her have her way with my feet. She had already finished strapping the shoes to my feet before she had finished her argument. I almost expected her to wave her hand in front of my face and say, "These are not the droids you're looking for." We were running late as it was and I had been left with no choice but to wear the evil heels.

In the car on the way to the church I couldn't help but admit that the shoes really did make my legs look fantastic. I felt sexy until I exited the car. I realized I was about as steady on my legs as a newborn calf wobbling its first steps. Jasper ended up carrying me into the church, declaring it would take me no time at all to get my sea legs. I would have punched him for his smartass remark if I could have caught up with him. Jasper is one speedy Texan.

Everything was going well until I reached the end of the aisle. Charlie mimed pulling my veil over my head to give me a kiss on the cheek before handing me over to Edward. The three stairs to the platform at the front of the church loomed in front of me like the Himalayas. I was sure I was going to die scaling to such heights in my flashy footwear. I needed a Sherpa.

I made it up to the minister unscathed with Edward's help. By the time the rehearsal ended Edward had prevented me from tipping over and possibly crushing his sister who was standing behind me at least five times. My feet hurt, my calves were burning, my toes were pinched and I was cranky as hell about not being able to see Edward after midnight. Edward managed to distract me from all of these annoyances when he leaned over and whispered into my ear.

"By this time tomorrow you'll be Mrs. Cullen."

The feel of his breath across my neck sent a shiver through me and Edward chuckled at my reaction. He knew from experience that my nipples would be hardening under my clothing. My breathing hitched in anticipation of tasting his lips on mine. I turned my body towards him to lean in for a kiss. Disaster struck.

The minister gasped as the heel of my left shoe dug into his foot. I think that was probably the last time Reverend Young and Hip used the excuse that Jesus wore sandals to get away with wearing his mandals on the job. He probably wears steel toed shoes at all times now.

I quickly moved to take my foot off of the minister's foot. I realized as my left foot was in midair that my right foot, which had gotten too close to the edge of the platform was also in midair. I let out a word not often heard in a church before crashing to the ground. I landed doing the splits, one leg on the stage, the other hanging off the platform. All of the breath seemed to leave my body in a large gasp as I registered the pain of landing so ungracefully on my muffin. It was just as well that I couldn't speak in that moment. The words flying through my brain probably would have reigned fire down from the heavens had they been let loose in such a holy place. I slumped off to the side, my right leg bent under me at an odd angle. Edward was at my side in an instant.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked frantically.

"I'm fine," I gasped, cupping my delicate feminine parts with one hand. "I have never been so happy to not have testicles in my whole life. I would have landed right on them."

"But if you had testicles you wouldn't have been wearing the heels," Jasper pointed out pragmatically.

"Stupid ovaries," I muttered, trying unsuccessfully to unwind the pretzel I had become.

Edward gently removed my shoes and helped me to stand up. I promptly fell back down onto my ass when I tried putting weight on my right foot. Edward picked me up and placed me softly on a pew in the front row. He pulled my ankle towards him and I shrieked in pain. My body twitched to get away from the pain that Edward was causing. My left foot flew out and I ended up kneeing Edward in the face. Blood spurted from his nose and I passed out.

I didn't come to again until I was being loaded into the ER by the paramedics.

"Hey there Bells, you had us worried for a while there," Emmett said. Emmett was my favourite paramedic. He had made me laugh through several trips to the hospital in his ambulance. He and his fiancée Rosalie had been invited to the wedding. "But it is smart of you to get all the disasters out of the way before the big day. Should I bring the ambulance tomorrow just in case?"

I ended up hobbling down the aisle barefoot the next day on my crutches. Alice had decorated my crutches with ribbons and flowers for the occasion. None of our family and friends seemed to find it odd that the bride and minister were both hobbling on crutches, or that the groom had two black eyes and a swollen nose.

I pulled myself back into the present.

"I still limp a little from that incident Alice. Edward's face was all bruised and puffy in our wedding photos because of you. And I broke a preacher's foot. I'm pretty sure that's a go straight to hell offence," I pointed out.

"But have I done anything like that since?" Alice asked.

"Not yet," I said.

"Then get your cute tush out of this car!" Alice demanded playfully.

Alice pulled me into what I realized was actually a dance studio. I glared at her scornfully before taking in my surroundings. There were several poles and chairs scattered across the dance floor.

"Alice," I asked carefully. "Is this building a former fire station?"

She shook her head no. I tried to make a quick escape, but Alice was able to get a firm grip on my ear before I could make it to the door.

"Just give the class a chance Bella. It's a fun way to work out and you could use some of these moves on Edward," she pleaded with me.

I finally agreed to stay begrudgingly on the condition that I would not be expected to wear heels. The instructor was understanding about my desire to dance barefoot when I explained the lasting effect of having previously torn a ligament in my ankle. I now walked like John Wayne when I wore heels. It was not in any way sexy.

"It's okay Bella," she reassured me. "Lots of men think barefoot is sexy."

I felt ridiculous at first, thrusting my hips and running my hands down my sides. I giggled with Alice as we dropped low to the ground and crawled across the floor towards the poles. The instructor told me to arch my back more and slide my knees. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I looked kind of like a cat in heat.

I started to feel a little less ridiculous and a little more sexy as I saw my reflection throw her hair over her shoulder and sinuously climb up the pole. We were taught how to swing around the pole and how to give a lap dance. I left the lesson feeling confident and sensual.

"Aren't you glad you stayed?" Alice asked me in the car.

"Yes," I said somewhat reluctantly. "You were right. I had fun."

"Just do me a favour and don't tell me about any moves you use on Edward. That's a visual I don't need," Alice shuddered.

"I won't," I promised. "Please don't tell Edward where we went tonight. I want to surprise him some time."

Alice agreed and wished me a goodnight as I carefully exited her car.

I stretched out my slightly sore muscles and tossed my keys in the table in the front hall of our tiny apartment after locking the door. I found Edward sprawled on the couch in his boxers with a medical book clutched to his chest. He was writing his board certification exam next week and had been putting insane hours into studying. He was nervous as hell, but I had faith in him. I gently pulled the textbook out of his hands and set it on the coffee table. Edward started mumbling something about myocardial infarctions and rolled off the couch onto the floor. He didn't even stir upon impact; he just rolled onto his back and started snoring.

There was no way I'd be able to drag him to bed, and I certainly couldn't just leave him on the floor overnight. I needed to wake him up to get him to bed. I nudged his shoulder gently and called his name quietly. Nothing. I shook him harder and said his name louder. Nothing.

I leaned into his ear and said, "I need your cock inside me right now."

Still nothing.

There was only one way to wake Edward up when he was this deeply asleep. I gently pulled his penis through the flap on his boxers and caressed around the head with my fingers. His cock hardened in my hands and his eyes shot open.

"Hi honey, I'm home," I said with a wink as I wrapped my hand firmly around the base of his shaft.

I licked my lips and placed a kiss on the tip of his engorged penis. Edward moaned as I gently sucked the top half of his cock into my mouth. He cursed loudly as I flicked rapid butterfly kisses over his tip with my tongue. I reached into the leg of his boxers with my free hand and cradled balls. I could feel them tightening in anticipation of his release. I quickly tapped out Morse code for, 'I love you,' on the underside of his glans with the tip of my tongue. Edward shouted his release and I swallowed every drop.

"What the hell?" Edward asked when he recovered his ability to speak coherently.

"You fell asleep on the couch. You rolled onto the floor and I couldn't wake you up to get you to bed," I explained.

"We're throwing out the alarm clock," Edward teased with mock sincerity.

Edward offered me a hand off the floor and we crawled in to bed together, too exhausted to do anything other than cuddle. I was almost asleep when Edward spoke.

"So how did the Strip Aerobics class go?"

I was going to kill Alice.

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**Let me know what you think.**


	2. Astro Girls

**Muchos gracias to those who have reviewed. Je t'aime mes cheris.**

**I still don't own Twilight. I just like to give it a citrus twist.**

**This chapter's song is Astro Girls by Spiral Beach. A good, slightly spooky song to strip to.**

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**The next week was exhausting. I had spent the majority of the week packing boxes and boxes of our possessions while Edward studied and worked out the last shift of his residency at Seattle Grace. I arrived home from the grocery store to find Edward in tears the evening before his exam.

"Edward, are you okay?" I asked, approaching him cautiously.

"I can't remember anything!" he cried, nearly tearing his hair out in frustration.

I pulled his hands out of his hair and wrapped my arms around him, cradling his head to my chest. I massaged my fingers over his scalp and hummed him a couple of verses of our song to soothe him.

"Edward, you know the material. You've been calling out medical terms and symptoms in your sleep all week. That means you know all of this information so well you could literally do this exam in your sleep. I suggest a round of strip studying is in order."

Strip studying is a technique Edward and I had developed in college. I would ask Edward questions from his study notes. For every three right answers, I would remove an article of clothing. If Edward missed a question I would put an article of clothing back on. Once I was fully nude, Edward could ask me to perform, 'favours,' for every three correct answers.

Edward eagerly agreed to a strip study session and I went to the bedroom to change while he organized his study cards. I put on a sexy set of lingerie, complete with garters and hose underneath a skirt, shirt and blazer combo. I added one of Edward's ties and a fedora leftover from last Hallowe'en's gangster theme. Edward whistled when I sauntered back into the living room.

"What is Chadwick's sign?" I asked, getting down to business.

"Chadwick's sign is a bluish discoloration of the cervix. It is caused by venous congestion due to increased estrogen production brought on by pregnancy."

"Correct," I said.

Edward answered the next two questions correctly and I took my hat off and placed it on his unruly hair. I removed my blazer and shirt next. The questions continued and I lost my skirt.

"If I get the next question right, I would like to ask a favour if I could," Edward requested.

"Unconventional, but I'll allow it seeing as you have yet to answer incorrectly," I decided. "Name the five axes of the DSM-IV."

"Clinical disorders, personality conditions, physical disorders, psychosocial and environmental factors contributing to disorders, and the Children's Global Assessment Scale," Edward said triumphantly.

"That is correct," I replied. "What is your request?"

"A kiss from my gorgeous wife," Edward asked. I smiled and gave him a lingering, soft kiss on the corner of his smirk. I winked and stepped back to ask more questions.

I placed my foot on Edward's knee for balance as I removed each of my stockings at a teasingly slow pace. The next set of correct answers netted him my garter belt, and then my tie. The questions were getting more and more difficult as the evening went by. Edward almost incorrectly answered the question that would have removed my bra, but he changed his answer to the right one before I could call him out. I turned around to take off my bra, dropping it to the floor next to me before turning around to face Edward.

Edward easily got the next three questions right as well. I slowly shimmied out of my panties and stood proudly in front of my husband. I flung my panties at him and he saluted me in thanks. He was on a winning streak and continued to give the right answers. For his first favour he asked me to lie down on the couch. He scooted down to the end and I settled myself so that I was facing him with one leg on the floor and the other resting along the back of the couch. For his next favour he asked me to tease my nipples for him. It felt so good it was hard for me to ask more questions.

"Bella, I can see how wet you are," Edward purred after earning another favour. "I want you to stick one finger in that delicious pussy of yours and leave it there. No moving."

I nearly cried out in frustration when Edward's next request started with me removing my finger. I needed some friction.

"Bella, taste yourself on your finger for me. Tell me how you taste," Edward commanded.

I sucked my glistening finger into my mouth and tasted myself.

"Mmm, I taste musky and sweet," I said.

"Do you like to taste yourself?" Edward asked. I decided to play naughty.

"I taste better when I'm kissing you after you've licked and sucked my pussy. Tasting us both at the same time like that drives me crazy," I said with a wink.

I spread my folds with one hand and beckoned invitingly with the other. Edward obliged and twirled his tongue around my clit before dipping it into my channel. He stopped his attentions far too soon for my liking and kissed me. Our tongues swirled together and I could taste myself and Edward together. It was a heady combination. I managed to get Edward's shirt off before he reminded me that we were studying.

Edward's next requests drove me crazy. First he had me draw slow circles around my clit without actually touching it. Then he laid his hand over my pussy, just holding it here. Doing absolutely nothing to ease the tension that he had been working up. Next he had me take his clothes off. Reading questions off of his cue cards was really difficult when he laid down on the floor and had me rub my pussy over his cock. I nearly screamed in frustration when he stilled my movements with his hands and pulled us both to our feet. I had been so close to coming all over him.

My legs were shaky and my chest was heaving with need when Edward asked me to dance for him. Edward put some Queens of the Stone Age on the stereo and I began to move to the heavy beat of Make It Wit Chu. Edward slowly stroked his cock as I moved my body fluidly for his viewing pleasure. I could feel my arousal slick between my thighs as I drew circles in the air with my hips. My nipples were hard and sensitive under my fingers as I ran my hands over my breasts.

Edward kept getting his answers correct and his favours were designed to keep the two of us in a near frenzy of need. He had me take five slow licks of his shaft. He asked me to kneel over his head as he lay on the floor. I could feel his breath hot against my pussy, but he didn't touch me. I nearly came undone when he rubbed an ice cube over my breasts before warming them with his mouth. I moaned when Edward requested a single lick of my clit. I was happy to note there were only three cards left in the stack.

"You'd better make your next favour a good one, we're almost out of questions," I pointed out.

Edward of course answered all three questions correctly. I could see him shaking with a need as strong as mine.

"Bella, I want us to try something different tonight," Edward started out. "It's okay for you to say no if you aren't comfortable with my request, but I'd like you to give it a try.

"I've always wanted to make love to you out on the balcony. It's really quite warm out tonight and it's very dark. We can turn out the lights in here just to be safe. Please?"

I couldn't resist the Cullen pout. Edward turned off the lights as I opened the curtains. Our balcony was almost perfectly square, with cement walls dividing us from any neighbouring balconies. There were no buildings obstructing our view of the ocean. I stepped out into the warm June air, bare to the sky above me. It felt so liberating and naughty to be outdoors without clothing. The warm breeze brushed my hair around me, tickling my sensitive nipples. My heart was racing with the possibility of being caught.

Edward embraced me from behind and started kissing and sucking on my neck while he tweaked my nipples with his agile fingers.

"We need to be very quiet Bella. Do you think you can be very quiet?" he whispered into my ear. I moaned quietly at the sensation of his breath tickling across one my erogenous zones.

"Yes," I whispered back huskily. I was nearly crying with my need to have him inside me.

Edward led me over to our small patio table and bent me over it. I moaned quietly as he teased my entrance with his erection. He spanked me firmly before whispering for me to be quiet. My eyes rolled back in pleasure as Edward slid his thick cock into my tight pussy. It felt so good, and I knew neither one of us would last long.

Edward was just starting to pull out when we heard the sound of a sliding door being opened above us. I could hear our cranky neighbour from upstairs shuffling over to his chair. The squeak that rang loudly through the night air when he sat down only served to punctuate just how quiet we would need to be. I gasped wordlessly when I felt Edward slam his full length back into me.

The sound of the neighbour's newspaper crinkling as he settled in to read mingled with the sounds of my heavy breathing. The sound of Edward's flesh hitting mine as he thrust into me fast and hard was as louder than thunder to my ears. Flesh upon flesh was our telltale heart, beating louder and faster as our pleasure raced towards its crescendo. I thought the neighbour would discover our activities at any moment.

Edward pulled me up under my arms, hitting me in a new and wonderful place with his cock. He fingered my clit expertly and my whole body clenched in response to his ministrations. My orgasm was like being hit by lightning. Bolts of pleasure surged through me, lighting my vision with white flashes. I gasped at the intensity. Edward grunted his release, biting at my shoulder to keep himself quiet.

We collapsed forward onto the table, unable to support ourselves in the wake of our passion.

"What was that?" our neighbour called from upstairs.

"Sorry Mr. Smeadon," I called. "I forgot some dishes out here earlier and I banged into the table when I came out to get them."

Edward and I raced inside, giggling like idiots at nearly being caught.

"Dr. Cullen, I think it's safe to say that you are more than ready to kick this exam's ass," I declared confidently.

"Thanks for helping me study and relax," Edward said, kissing the mark he'd left on my shoulder. "I'm just sad that this is the last set of exam's either one of us will have to study for. No more strip studying."

"I guess one of us will be going to night school," I teased back.

Edward slept more peacefully that night than he had for the entirety of the previous month.

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**Reviews make Edward take his clothes off. For serious ;)**


	3. I Feel Pretty

**I don't own Twilight. I do own a set of blue china dishes with white swirls that resemble sperm. I giggled like a manwoman when my grammy bought me sperm plates.**

**This chapter's title is I Feel Pretty from the musical West Side Story.  
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**Moving Day was upon us.

Edward had survived his exam with his sanity intact. With only one day sandwiched between his exam and moving day, Edward had been run off his feet. I kept insisting that he slow down and maybe take a nap, but he refused. We were whirling dervishes of packing activity late into the night before the big move. It didn't seem as though we had that much crammed into our small apartment, but it still took longer than we'd anticipated to pack. We had boxes and boxes full of Edward's textbooks and my portfolios.

Carlisle and Esme showed up bright and early on M Day with a rental van and coffee. Jasper, Alice, Emmett and Rose were not far behind, bringing us breakfast. Edward was out cold and I didn't want to wake him up after the hectic week he'd had.

"Oh, just leave him dear," Esme pleaded. "He looks so tired. He'll wake up on his own eventually."

We agreed as a group to get started without Edward. The men unassembled furniture and loaded it onto the truck while the women loaded up dollies with boxes and packed them into our cars and trucks. With all the hands available to help it didn't take too long to get the majority of the work done. The only room left to pack up was the bedroom.

Alice and I volunteered to pick up some pizza for lunch while the others took a break. We were only gone for 20 minutes, but Emmett and Jasper had disappeared by the time we got back. I heard some snickering coming from the bedroom as I set the pizza box down on the kitchen counter.

"This can't be good," I muttered to Alice, before I headed into the bedroom.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I exclaimed loudly taking in the scene before me. Emmett was straddling my husband with what appeared to be a tube of lipstick in one hand and an eyelash curler in the other.

My shrieking woke Edward up and continued when I saw his face. Emmett and Jasper had given Edward a complete makeover. The bright purple eyeshadow and ruby red lipstick made my husband look like the kind of hooker you only find in a back alley. As man-pretty as Edward was, he did not have a brilliant future as a female impersonator.

"Rose is going to kill you when she sees what you've done with her makeup," I threatened, backing out of the room to retrieve Rosalie.

Edward held Emmett down while Rosalie pummelled him with a pillow. Alice promised to force Jasper into going to the ballet with her. That was punishment enough to satisfy Edward.

Once Edward had de-prettified himself and we'd eaten our fill of starchy, cheesy goodness we headed out in a caravan of vehicles to Forks. Charlie met us at the house to help us move in. We made quick work of loading all the boxes and furniture into the house. I had done a pretty good job of labelling boxes by room, making moving more efficient and organized.

Emmett and Jasper were in charge of assembling the furniture that had to be taken apart to be moved. Charlie quietly offered to supervise the furniture building for me, and I gratefully accepted. I had seen the great Ikea bookcase massacre of 2008 at Jasper and Alice's house. Edward and Carlisle were unpacking the books and portfolios in the study. Alice was in charge of staging the dining room and arranging the china cabinet to her liking. Esme offered to put all of the clothing and shoes away in the master bedroom. Rose and I organized the kitchen quickly, laughing and joking freely while we did so.

"Rose, have you seen any dishtowels?" I asked, checking the labels on the boxes we had yet to unpack.

"Nope," she replied, unloading the first load of dishes from the dishwasher. I could tell already that I was going to love having a dishwasher. I was also looking forward to taking a ride with Edward on the new washing machine in the basement.

"Maybe they got mixed up with the linens. I think I labeled those for the bedroom," I said, drifting towards the stairs. I passed Alice in the dining room and gave her a thumbs-up on her arrangement of my wedding china. Emmett walked by the china and snickered. He insisted that the white swirl design around the edge of my blue plates looked like sperm. Edward had only fueled his glee by sending a handwritten invitation for Emmett and Rose to 'cum' to dinner shortly after our wedding.

I climbed the stairs slowly, my muscles feeling the effects of lugging boxes all day. I entered the bedroom to look for the dishtowels when I caught sight of Esme opening a photo album she had just pulled out of a box.

"Oh shit!" I exclaimed as I lunged for the familiar looking album that Esme was holding. Her eyes widened in shock as she took in the images on the first two pages.

The left page wouldn't have been too bad on its own if you didn't read the caption I'd written. It was a picture I'd taken of Edward looking down at me while I was teasingly licking the head of his cock. You could guess what was happening from the perspective of the photo, but there was nothing too explicit. Edward was looking down at me with the burning intensity of a man about to get really great head. We may have been late bloomers in the sex department, but Edward and I had certainly honed our skills over the years.

The same burning intensity was visible in Edward's eyes in the picture on the right page. That was also a picture I'd taken of Edward looking at me. Only in that picture Edward was looking up at me from between my knees, his face glistening with my juices. You couldn't see my lady lips, but from the leisurely way Edward was licking his fingers you could tell what he'd just been feasting on.

If those images weren't enough to scar Esme's psyche, Edward and I had written poems to accompany the pictures. Mine was a saucy limerick about sucking Edward's cock:

"_There once was a girl named Bella,_

_Who loved to suck off her fella._

_She swallowed his jizz,_

_He thought she was a whiz._

_His praise would fill a novella."_

Edward's was a sweet haiku about my girly parts:

"_Her taste ambrosia_

_Honey and sex on my tongue_

_Feminine petals"_

Esme quickly slammed the book shut with a blush. I wasn't sure whose face was redder, Esme's or mine.

"I'm so sorry," I managed to stammer out. I flipped frantically through my mental rolodex of Ask Heloise advice which I'd been forced to collect due to my mother's determination to breed good manners into her only daughter. I couldn't recall any advice for dealing with your mother-in-law finding the naughty pictures you'd taken with her son. Heloise's abandonment in my hour of need only served to confirm what I'd thought for years: that woman was a sadistic bitch. Seriously, how many freaking forks do you really need to eat dinner?

"No Bella, I'm sorry," Esme said, holding up a hand. "Carlisle's mother once walked in on Carlisle and I having some intimate time and she made my life a living hell after that. I love and respect you too much to allow this to interfere with our relationship. I'm going to forget that I ever saw this album and we will never speak of it again."

"Thank you!" I exclaimed, hugging Esme fiercely.

"Did you need something dear?" she asked, before kissing me on the cheek.

"Yes, have you seen any dishtowels?" I asked.

"Yes, there's a whole box of them over by the door," Esme replied, gesturing towards the box sitting next to the door. I thanked Esme and hauled the box downstairs to the kitchen, giggling silently to myself the whole way. As awkward as that moment had been, I was just grateful I hadn't walked in on Esme and Carlisle getting frisky. That's the sort of thing that can scar a young woman for life.

We finished with the unpacking in time to have a late dinner of take-out Chinese. We were all pretty tired and everyone left shortly after dinner. Edward and I were finally alone in our new home.

"Welcome home," Edward said, nuzzling my neck with small kisses.

"Mmm, I need something so bad," I said in a husky voice.

"What do you need baby?" Edward asked, rubbing his erection against my backside.

"I need a shower. I feel all sweaty and gross," I proclaimed, dancing out of Edward's embrace towards the stairs. Edward caught me and swept me up into his arms with a growl.

"Can I persuade you to take a bath with me?" he asked.

I sweetly kissed his cheek and nodded. He carried me up to the bathroom and set me down on the vanity while he set to work filling the gigantic soaker tub we had in the master bathroom. He added some sweetly scented bath oil and turned on the jets before stripping me of my clothing and helping me into the bath. He began to take off his shirt before I stopped him.

"Wait!" I exclaimed. "Do that nice and slow like. I rescued you from an extreme makeover: tranny edition earlier, you owe me a striptease."

I relaxed back into the blissfully warm water to watch my husband take his clothes off for me. He thrust his hips teasingly to the beat I was tapping out for him on the side of the tub. He removed his shirt slowly and swung it over his head teasingly. I giggled and pretended to fan myself. Edward tried to take his pants off in one smooth motion but ended up falling on his arse. He grinned at me sheepishly from his spot on the floor and carefully removed the rest of his clothing before joining me in the tub.

We talked and laughed comfortably as we relaxed. We washed one another's hair and soaped each other up. I could see the fire slowly being banked in Edward's eyes and it wasn't long before he pulled the plug and helped me dry off.

We made love slowly and sweetly, taking our time building up to our orgasms. My pleasure rippled through me, building and ebbing in waves until I was calling out Edward's name and clenching myself around him. We fell asleep cuddled together in a tangle of limbs.

I cursed the alarm when it went off at ten the next morning.

"It's Sunday. We don't have to work. Why the fuck is the alarm waking me up?" I demanded. I was not a morning person.

"We've been invited to brunch at my parent's place," Edward explained, dodging the many tiny pillows I was flinging at him. Men may think they're ridiculous, but a pile of tiny pillows means never being without a weapon. I begrudgingly roused myself from the bed with the promise of waffles in my near future. I couldn't resist waffles.

We decided to walk to Carlisle and Esme's house. It was a nice day and Edward's parents lived about a quarter mile down the road from us. Our houses were both on the outskirts of town on large plots of private land. Charlie was just pulling into the driveway in his cruiser when Edward and I rang the bell.

Brunch was delicious and we passed the remainder of the morning in pleasant conversation. I felt a little awkward around Esme at first, but we quickly regained our previous détente. Carlisle slid an envelope across the table towards Edward and I.

"What's this?" I asked as Edward opened the envelope to reveal airplane tickets.

"You and Edward didn't take a honeymoon after you got married because he was still in the middle of his residency. Esme and I wanted to make sure you guys had a chance to spend some time relaxing together before you jump into your new life here," Carlisle responded with a warm smile.

I couldn't believe it when I took a closer look at the tickets. They were tickets to Brazil, departing that night.

"This is so generous of you, but I have a wedding to shoot this weekend," I said sadly.

"No you don't," Charlie said with a mischievous glint in his eye. "I had one of the officers book you for a fake wedding next weekend. We wanted to make sure you'd be free for your vacation."

Edward and I looked at each other in shock for a moment while we adjusted to the suddenness of our impending honeymoon.

"Thank you!" I exclaimed, jumping up to hug all three of my present parents.

Edward and I were headed to Rio.

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**So real life has really sucked lately.** **Boourns to custody issues. I feel bad for not updating this as often as I'd like. As penance I will write an outtake for this story at some point (anyone want to read about the time Bella got naughty with a camera and made a smutty scrapbook?)**


	4. Island In The Sun

**Hello Peeps. I am sorry for the unexpected delay in updating. My brain decided to go into overdrive with the migraines last week. Did you know it's possible to have a migraine for four days straight? It sucks.**

**As always, props and wet kisses for MsKathy who makes me look gooder than I would on my own ;)**

**Island In The Sun is by Weezer. Twilight is by Stephenie. I don't own either.**

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**Isle Esme was paradise. Edward and I had spent the last four days revelling in the warmth of the sun and the complete privacy afforded us by the island. We had taken our clothes off upon arrival to shower and hadn't bothered to put any back on.

We had put our shoes on to hike to the waterfall at the other end of the island and made love on the spongy soil to the sounds of falling water. Edward and I had floated out on the oceans waves, touching and teasing one another until Edward had thrown me over his shoulder and rushed me into the house to join together frantically. We made lazy love in the hammock by the ocean, joined together intimately while watching the sun set. The moon had been high in the sky by the time we had come together.

I had already taken nearly a dozen rolls of film. Most were studies of the gorgeous tropical foliage and landscapes of the ocean views. I think I'd taken nearly an entire roll of Edward and the waterfall. I sighed happily thinking back to the way the light filtering through the lush green forest canopy had glittered off the water running down Edward's sculpted torso.

Edward and I curled up one lazy afternoon to watch a movie, resting up from a busy morning spent playing in the ocean. The Secretary was one of my favourite films, and I couldn't help but fantasize a little about Edward spanking me. Edward fluttered his fingertips down from my pebbled nipples to swirl his fingers around my slick arousal as the protagonist of the movie was spanked over her boss's desk.

"Bella," Edward whispered into my ear huskily.

"Yes," I moaned in reply, thrusting my hips to meet his teasing digits.

"You are so very wet," he observed, now rubbing his erection against me intimately.

"Yes," I repeated as he slid into me with a groan.

"Does the idea of being spanked turn you on?" he asked, nibbling on my earlobe.

"Yes," I moaned again. I felt my inner muscles begin to flutter delicately as my orgasm slowly built to its finale. Edward thrust twice more before chanting my name in ecstasy. Edward's cries were quickly drowned out by the cry of another person.

"Eu sou tão pesaroso!" a small woman yelled, covering her eyes as she turned around. She was short and pleasantly plump, with a bucket of cleaning supplies clenched in her hand. Her face was turning a shade of red that I don't think I could have achieved. I was both impressed by her complexion and embarrassed by her presence.

Edward quickly covered us with a blanket and responded to the woman in her native tongue. She quickly left the room and Edward helped me off the couch.

"I'm sorry love, I didn't think to check with my parents to see when the cleaners would be coming. She's going to clear her husband out until we get dressed."

"I'm just glad it wasn't her husband that walked in on us," I replied with a blush of my own and a small giggle.

Edward and I scurried down the hall as fast as we could go wrapped in the same blanket. We were an awkward shuffle of limbs and we had a bit of a challenge getting through the bedroom door. We dressed quickly and Edward left to let the cleaners back in.

I made my way to the kitchen and started to make our dinner. I scanned the shelves of the pantry and the supplies in the fridge before deciding to make Pad Thai. Edward came in and set the table for me as I was finishing up. He was pouring wine into our glasses as I was bringing dinner to the table. The cleaning lady entered the room and rapidly fired off a couple of sentences at Edward while gesturing at me.

"Não deve comer o vinho. É mau para o bebê."

"What?!" Edward exclaimed.

"Huh?" I asked.

"Está grávida, não é ela?" the lady asked.

I wasn't following the conversation, but I noticed that Edward's face had paled considerably. He had also poured about half of a bottle of wine into one glass, which was now overflowing onto the floor.

"Shit!" I exclaimed, running to the kitchen to grab some towels. By the time I returned to the dining room the cleaning lady had disappeared and Edward was sitting down, running his fingers roughly through his hair.

"What happened?" I asked, still clueless about what the cleaning lady had told my husband.

"When were you going to tell me Bella?" Edward demanded.

"Tell you what?" I asked, puzzled.

"About the baby!" he exploded, getting up from his chair to pace the room.

"What baby?" I yelled, clearly missing an important thread of this conversation.

"Our baby!" Edward exclaimed.

I was too shocked to even speak. I opened my mouth, but no sound would escape. I sat down heavily and Edward flinched. My anger won out over rational thinking.

"Oh, for fuck's sake Edward, I'm not pregnant. You don't need to go all overprotective doctor on me," I spat at him, incredulous that my husband would take the word of the cleaning lady at face value with no evidence.

"You're not?" he asked quietly.

"No, I'm not," I responded. "I just had a period a little over two weeks ago. I'm not even due for my next one for another week or so. Besides, I'm on the patch, remember?"

I could tell from his expression that Edward and I remembered not changing the patch this week in the exact same moment.

Edward was a doctor through and through. In the beginning I'd been on the traditional pill, but it made Edward twitchy when I didn't take it at the same time every day. I'm not talking about the difference between six in the morning and six at night. I'm talking about taking it at 6:00 one morning and 6:02 the next. After a particularly nasty argument over a period that was late by a day we decided that I should go on the patch. Edward could change my patch at the exact same time every Sunday evening and we would be able to have the protection without the fighting.

We hadn't changed the patch this past Sunday because we were on an airplane.

I quickly ran to the bedroom and pulled my shorts down to reveal the date Edward had written on the patch. I turned to the mirror in dawning horror and read that we had indeed forgotten. The patch still had the smiley face that Edward had drawn on a week and a half ago.

"Shit," Edward said, appearing next to me in the mirror.

"What do we do?" I asked.

Edward sat on the edge of the bed and cupped his head in his hands. I sat down next to him, much more carefully this time.

"It's too early to do a test," Edward started. "But tomorrow I'm going to head back to Rio and pick up a box of condoms. We're going to forgo the patches for the rest of the month and if you aren't pregnant we'll start up again after you get your next period."

"I don't feel pregnant," I said, clearly still in shock. Surely my body would give me a sign, right?

"Esme didn't know she was pregnant with Alice and me until Mrs. Chavez told her," Edward informed me.

"Oh," was all I could think to say.

Edward and I didn't have sex that night. We were up until the early hours of the morning discussing what my possible pregnancy would mean for us.

"I don't want you to feel like you've been rushed or trapped into parenthood," Edward confessed. "I don't want you to end up resenting me or our child."

"Edward, you and I have been together since high school. You've loved and supported me through so much. You decided you wanted to marry me after I threw up on you," I said with a small smile, remembering our disastrous first attempts at making love. "I don't think I could ever resent you. We may not have planned for a pregnancy right now, but we're in a good position for it. We're both finished school and we have no debts other than our mortgage. Your work hours are about to become much more reasonable and we have a three bedroom house. I think now is as good a time as any to think about children."

"Are you sure?" Edward asked, "You seemed pretty shocked earlier when Mrs. Chavez announced you were pregnant."

"Yes, I'm sure," I replied giving Edward a small kiss. "I think any woman would be shocked to hear her cleaning lady announce her pregnancy when she hasn't even missed a period yet."

"True," Edward conceded, taking my hand in his.

"Look, let's not put the pony before the cart," I said. "I don't want us to get our hopes up only to find that I'm not pregnant."

"What if you aren't pregnant?" Edward asked. "Do we want to think about trying?"

"Let's wait until we find out before we decide," I suggested with a yawn, snuggling into Edward's side. We held each other close and soon fell asleep.

*****

I awoke alone the next morning. Edward left me a note explaining that he'd gone to Rio to pick up some supplies and to expect him back around noon. I stretched comfortably and plotted a treat for Edward.

I knew Edward would be gone for at least two more hours, which gave me plenty of time to set up my surprise. I checked to see how sturdy Esme's dining room table was before clearing it off and placing some cushions from the couch on top. I replaced the tablecloth with a bed sheet and climbed up. It was comfy. Next, I cut up bowls of exotic fruit and placed them on the table next to the cushions. I couldn't find any whipped cream, but I did find some chocolate sauce and honey, which I placed next to the fruit. I took a hot shower and shaved everything, including the small patch of hair I usually left just above my lady parts.

Rosalie had confessed to me one night over too many martinis that she had supported herself in college by taking a job as a nude sushi model. Rich men had paid large sums of money to eat sushi off of Rose's naked body. She had explained that her important bits were covered up and that the men were very respectful most of the time. It had paid very well. I was intrigued and a little turned on at the idea. I knew I was too shy to ever take a job like that, but I knew that Edward would definitely enjoy the experience.

I very carefully arranged some pieces of fruit over my torso. A treasure trail of strawberries led from my belly button to the promised land, which I left bare for Edward's gaze. A pitted cherry covered each of my nipples. I was carefully arranging some melon across my stomach when I heard Edward call for me.

"I'm in the dining room," I called out.

Edward stopped dead in his tracks when he took in the sight of me spread naked and covered in fruit on the table.

"I brought us some lunch," he said absently lifting up a brown paper bag.

"How about some dessert first," I suggested with a wink.

Edward was at my side in an instant, covering my face with kisses. He started off his dessert by filling my navel with honey and dipping the pieces of melon and papaya in before devouring them. He led trails of chocolate sauce from my wrists to my breasts. He slowly licked and sucked from my left wrist to my left breast before sucking the cherry covering my nipple into his mouth. He swallowed the fruit before bathing my juice covered nipple thoroughly with his tongue. I moaned and tried to keep still so as not to disturb the rest of the fruit with my movements. Edward repeated his ministrations on my other breast before dragging a piece of cut strawberry up my inner thighs. He slowly licked and sucked the juice left behind on my skin and I moaned his name, fisting the sheet in my impatience to have him lick where I needed him most.

"You are so beautiful," he declared before lazily eating the strawberries from my pubic bone. The feel of his lips against my skin was beautiful torture.

Edward grabbed a whole strawberry from the bowl with one hand and spread my lips open with the other. He dragged the fruit delicately from my entrance to my clit, teasing it gently for a moment before bringing it to his lips. He moaned as he bit into the sweet fruit covered in my arousal.

"You taste exquisite," he declared, clearly savouring the taste of me.

Edward sat on the chair by my feet and pulled me down to meet him. He placed a gentle kiss over my clit before teasing it with tiny licks. He spread me before his gaze and entered me slowly with his tongue. His tongue firmly curled forward several times, as though he was rolling an 'r' sound. My entire body jerked in response to the incredible stimulus.

"Please," I begged, fisting my hands in Edward's soft hair and closing my thighs around his head.

Edward firmly pushed my thighs back down and held them while he took several long, slow licks from my entrance to my clit. He circled my clit several times with his tongue before licking it quickly and firmly. My body was quivering and I was panting with my need for release. Edward pursed his lips over my bud and sucked me gently into his mouth.

I cried out as I felt Edward enter me first with one finger and then two. He set a fast and firm rhythm with his fingers as he tapped teasingly on my clit with the tip of his tongue. I could feel my entire body flush with pleasure as my release neared. The strength of my orgasm left me panting and incoherent.

Edward picked me up gently and carried me into the bedroom, laying me across the bed. He reached into the bag he'd brought with us and pulled out a box of condoms. I watched as he carefully tore open the package and rolled the sheath over his erection. It was sexy as hell to watch him stroke himself experimentally once he was completely covered by the condom.

I crawled across the bed and pulled myself up to kiss Edward. My hand joined his, and as we stroked his cock together he took my other hand with his free one and guided them to tease my entrance together.

"Lie down," I commanded, needing to feel Edward inside of me.

Edward complied and I quickly straddled him, guiding him into me. I immediately began a fast pace, riding my husband's thick cock with abandon. My orgasm came over me fast and hard, nearly robbing me of my breath. Edward swore and followed me over the edge a couple of thrusts later. I collapsed onto his chest with a giddy giggle.

"That was the best dessert I've ever had," Edward declared, wrapping his arms around me firmly.

"I do love the way you eat your dessert," I giggled.

We stayed snuggled together for several minutes while we gathered our strength. It was the rumbling sounds our stomachs were making that finally prompted us to get up.

"Son of a bitch!" I swore, holding onto my boobs as I sat up, leaving several layers of skin behind on Edward's chest. The leftover residue of the fruit had congealed while I was snuggling into Edward's chest, essentially gluing us together.

Edward helped me up and into the shower. He took his time gently cleaning the sticky fruit juices from my tenderized chest, first with his tongue, and then with the soap. Lunch was very cold when we finally got around to eating it.

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**M'kay, I don't really speak Portuguese. Babelfish did my translations for me. Basically the cleaning lady told Edward that Bella shouldn't have wine because it's bad for the baby.**


	5. Hysterical

**I don't own anything. MsKathy owns me ;)**

**This chapter's title is from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs song Hysterical. I like the acoustic version best.**

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**There was a Mexican standoff going on in my bathroom. I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub staring down the evil plastic pee strip. I had even downloaded some appropriate music for my iPod for the occasion. Visions of Clint Eastwood's steel gaze under a black hat in a dusty, deserted street sprang to my mind. I could tell the pregnancy test wasn't the least bit intimidated by my malevolent glare. Those things were built to withstand the blistering gazes of scorn heaped upon their clinical heartlessness.

Edward was due home from work any moment, but Satan's testing kit wasn't giving up any information. I paced to the door and back, cursing the pauses between ticks of the second hand on my watch. Each empty moment between its ticks stretched on longer than the one before. As I chewed on my bottom lip, I pondered the previous two weeks of my life, starting from the day Edward and I had left Isle Esme.

Edward had loaded the last of our bags onto the boat while I locked up the house. He'd insisted that he didn't need my help carrying anything. Since the cleaning lady had decided I was preggers, Edward had become somewhat overprotective. Case in point: he even carried my purse. Don't get me wrong, the purse paired nicely with his shoes, but I wasn't even officially gestating and already Edward's overprotective nature was driving me crazy.

Edward was gently setting my purse down when I had strolled out onto the dock, keys in hand. Edward glanced at me standing on the dock and then back to the boat. He repeated the motion several times, panic setting into his posture. I looked on in amusement as my normally sane and practical husband stood looking like a cat watching a rousing game of ping pong. I had been sorely tempted to whip out the laser pointer on my keychain to see if that would distract him. I could tell he was trying to figure out how to safely get me into the boat without the possibility of disturbing the strands of DNA he was convinced were being woven together in my womb.

"Problem?" I had asked him, with a smirk.

"No," Edward replied, his voice raising at the end of the word a little.

"Are you hearing voices?" I questioned.

"Huh?" he said eloquently, his confused eyes meeting mine.

"You were shaking your head like actors do in movies when they want to show that their character is hearing voices that tell them to set fires. Just wanted to make sure I didn't need to hide the matches when we get home," I joked. If Edward was going to drive me to the brink of insanity with his caveman instincts, I was going to make sure he was firmly strapped in for the ride.

I slowly lowered myself so that I was sitting on the edge of the dock, my feet hanging down into the boat. I allowed Edward to help settle me into a seat. And put a hat and sunglasses on me. And a lifejacket. I drew the line at wearing the fanny pack he tried to put on over top of my lifejacket. I checked inside the fanny pack and found a bottle of water, two miniature flares, waterproof matches, sunscreen and several granola bars. I just shook my head.

Edward began what may have been the slowest ride to Rio anyone had ever made in that particular boat. The light breeze in my hair had felt pretty good. The choppy swells under the craft had felt bad. My stomach started shaking its fist at the disturbance and I knew I was going to be sick. I yelled at Edward to stop before introducing my breakfast to the local sea life. Edward had rubbed my back for me, which had made me feel marginally better.

"It's just motion sickness," I declared resolutely. Edward merely cocked one of his eyebrows at me. I cocked my driving finger at him.

The boat incident, as I was now referring to it, wouldn't have been enough to unsettle me if I hadn't also had to ask the cab driver to pull over on the way to the airport. The boat incident and the cab incident could both be written off as motion sickness, right? I'd never had a problem with motion sickness before, but some people develop new and exciting allergies as adults, so surely it couldn't be totally unheard of, right?

I had comforted myself with that thought until our three hour layover in Dallas. Edward left me in the lounge while he answered the call of nature. I was considering surprising Edward from the next stall with a 'wide stance' for a quickie. Instead, I ended up making a mad dash for the ladies room for a repeat performance of the boat and cab incidents. There was no motion to blame my sickness on this time.

I was feeling pretty green and worn around the edges when we had finally landed in Seattle. I was so tired, I didn't even have the energy to make fun of Edward for carrying my purse in public. Alice and Jasper were there to meet us. Alice had screeched and sprinted in my direction as soon as we came into view.

"Bella, I had a vision! You're finally going to make me an Auntie!" she yelled loud enough for Charlie to hear back in Forks. The entire terminal stopped to stare at our own personal telenovela.

"I am going to kill her," I hissed to Edward, stalking forward to meet my foe. Edward pulled me into his arms to hold me back.

As Alice made a run for me with open arms, time slowed down. I almost expected her to yell out, "Heidi!" in that creepy, deep-voiced slow motion way. I swear I heard the song, 'Chariots of Fire,' playing from somewhere. As she was rounding a row of chairs to close the last few yards between us, disaster struck and the music in my head stopped. A group of young men stood up to gather their bags for boarding and one of them flung his backpack carelessly over his shoulder. The backpack made its way surely towards Alice's head and time sped up again as Alice flew several feet across the terminal. She quickly stood up and brushed herself off before resuming her mad dash.

It was a good thing Edward had been holding me up. I would have collapsed with laughter otherwise. Alice took a bow as I howled like a jackal, actually managing a couple of snort laughs.

"Some psychic you are! You didn't even foresee that bag headed straight for you!" I finally managed to gasp between giggles as the menfolk loaded our luggage into Jasper's SUV. Alice had just kissed me sweetly on the cheek before helping me into the car.

We had been home for two weeks, settling into our new routines in Forks. I packed lunches for Edward in the morning and made him dinner when he got home. I traipsed through the warm woods, capturing my new surroundings on celluloid. Edward and I were happily reacquainting ourselves with one another and we were more relaxed than we had been in Seattle. We finally had the time to settle into the comfort of our married life.

There was only one potential dark spot on the horizon - my period had abandoned me. Back in junior high, when a friend of mine was having a pool party and I was looking forward to showing off my new found breasts in a modest bikini? My period had come. When it was time for senior prom, and I was hoping Edward might cop a feel? My period had come. For every major occasion in my life that I had wished for period-free happy times, it had reared its crampy head. Now, the one time I wanted it, it was MIA.

Edward surprised me after our impromptu honeymoon by having the large storage shed in our yard converted into a darkroom for me. I wasn't allowed to use it until my uterus was officially declared an embryo-free zone. I had several rolls of film that were crying out for developing. I wanted to prove that it would be safe for me to be exposed to the necessary chemicals to continue my work, so I went to the pharmacy.

I strolled the aisles in our local pharmacy trying to appear casual, even though I was sweating bullets. I scanned the aisles to make sure I didn't run into anyone I knew. I told myself I was being ridiculous; I was not a teenager anymore. I was a grown woman, a wife. I squared my shoulders and walked purposefully down the family planning aisle. My hand was just reaching out to pick up the pregnancy test when I heard a familiar voice calling my name.

My eyes widened at the sound of my father approaching and I frantically grabbed for the first non-pregnancy test box I could get my hands on.

"Hi Dad!" I exclaimed brightly, turning to give him a hug.

"Hey Bells, what are you doing here?" he asked, after planting a whiskered kiss on my cheek.

Charlie could've had a brilliant career as an interrogator for the CIA. He had a quiet gaze that seemed to burn straight down to your very soul. Then he would quirk his eyebrow and you would confess to abducting the Lindbergh baby, just to get him to stop looking at you. So it really wasn't my fault that I nervously gesticulated with my hands as I spoke, waving the brightly coloured box of King Size flavoured condoms with bonus vibrating cock ring for Charlie to see.

"Just picking up the basics," I squeaked out.

Charlie gaped at the box in my hand and I quickly dropped it into my basket with a blush. He mercifully changed the subject and we were able to make polite conversation as we made our way to the checkout. Jessica Stanley giggled as she rang through my colourful purchase while I blushed and wished for the earth to swallow me whole. My trip to the pharmacy in Port Angeles was far less embarrassing, and far more successful.

The alarm on my watch beeped just as I heard Edward pulling into the driveway. I took a deep breath and approached the test on the counter with my eyes squished shut. I took another deep breath and was still unable to look at the results. I still had my eyes closed when Edward entered the bedroom, calling my name.

"In here," I called weakly, still refusing to open my eyes.

"Are you okay?" Edward called from the other side of the door, worry in his tone.

"I don't know," I replied. "I'm afraid to look."

I heard Edward barge into the bathroom, ready to fix whatever part of me I'd managed to break this time. He grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me around. I could tell the exact moment Edward noticed the pregnancy test on the counter. His sharp gasp startled me and I opened my eyes to look at him. He was looking over my shoulder, studying the test as though it held the secrets to the universe.

"Is it positive?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know. I was standing here trying to work up the courage to look when you got home," I admitted.

Edward pulled me to him and I inhaled the slightly medicinal scent I'd come to associate with my husband. I tucked my head into the crook of his neck, which shook with his amused chuckles.

"Laugh it up, fuzzball!" I exclaimed indignantly, tweaking his nipple for laughing at me.

"Shit, that hurts!" Edward said, stepping back slightly and rubbing his injured he-nip.

"What does the test say?" I asked hesitantly.

"I'm not sure," Edward said, peering intently over my shoulder again. "What does two blue lines mean?"

I sagged against Edward and moaned.

"Fuck, fuck, FUCK!" I yelled, rubbing my temples against the sudden headache that had formed right behind my eyes.

"Bella?" Edward questioned.

"It means that in eight months I'm going to have to shove your progeny out of my poor little vagina. Oh God, have you seen how large your head is? Our baby is going to have a gigantic cranium and it's going to need diapers and one of those turkey baster thingies for sucking the boogers out of its nose."

I was freaking out. Edward had been possessed by the spirit of Alice back in her experimental club kid days. He was actually bouncing and clapping. He let out a very unmanly squeal of what I interpreted to be delight. I actually considered checking to see if he'd suddenly sprouted a vagina.

"I'm going to be a dad," he breathed in wonder.

"I'm going to be sick," I moaned, pushing him out of my way.

Edward paused his happy dance long enough to help me brush my teeth and stagger to bed. He tucked me in and lay down in his spot, facing me. He finally seemed to catch on that I was not feeling quite as enthusiastic about Operation Gestation as he was.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked gently. He brushed a kiss across my forehead and snuggled me under his chin.

"I don't know if I can do this," I sniffled into his chest.

"Bella," Edward started, rubbing circles on my back.

"No!" I wailed, interrupting him and sitting up. "You were raised by Ward and June Cleaver. I was raised by I Love Lucy and Andy Griffith. I didn't get the same prime example of parenting you did. I don't know the first thing about taking care of babies. What if I put the turkey baster too far up the baby's nose and I damage its brain somehow? What if I forget to feed it? What if I forget to tell it to say no to drugs and it gets arrested and never goes to college?"

Edward was smart enough to hold me quietly as I cried out all my fears to him. The shadows lengthened, creeping across the floor, being thrown into sharper relief when the streetlights came on. My shuddering breaths were beginning to slow and I sagged against Edward, exhausted.

"Bella," he said when I had finally quieted down. "Babies don't come with instruction manuals. Everyone has to learn and adapt as they go along. You are a smart, compassionate woman with a maternal instinct a mile wide. You will be an amazing mother. You'll be there for our baby's first steps and comfort him or her through their first heartbreak. You'll make birthday cakes from scratch and join the PTA. You'll freak out and call me home from the office every time this baby scrapes a knee and then you'll kiss it better. You will take a million photos along the way and our child will go out into the world knowing that they have been loved their whole life.

"I'll be there with you every single step of the way. I'm afraid of messing this up too; of not being able to be as good a father as Carlisle is. Neither one of us is perfect, but we're in this together."

I started sobbing loudly again.

"Bella?" Edward asked cautiously.

"I'm crying now 'cause you're so damn sweet!" I managed to gasp out between sobs and sniffles. Edward laughed with relief at my declaration and kissed me, snot, tears and all.

"C'mon little mama, we need to get the two of you fed," Edward declared, reaching over to turn the bedside lamp on. He stopped short when he knocked over the new box on his nightstand. It was the flavored condoms, complete with one-time use vibrating cock ring. He held it up and cocked his eyebrow at me.

"Don't look at me like that. It's Charlie's fault I bought those," I defended.

Edward's eyebrows both shot up until I was afraid they would get lost in his hair. I giggled and told him the story of my first attempt at procuring a pregnancy test. He roared with laughter that shook the entire bed frame when I described how I had waved the box around in Charlie's face.

Edward offered to make me some dinner while I had a shower. I emerged from the bathroom feeling refreshed and calm. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with a tray of tea and toast for me. He was so intent on reading the instructions that came with the cock ring that he didn't hear me enter the room. I giggled at the look of hopeful concentration on his face and he looked up guiltily, quickly hiding the box behind his back.

"Not tonight dear, I have a headache," I joked, settling down to my bland but yummy dinner.

Edward and I cuddled and talked long into the night. We both had worries and concerns about our impending parenthood, but we both felt better knowing we were in this together.

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**Reviews make Edward want to play with his new toy.**


	6. Sexy Results

**Thanks for all the reviews, favs and alerts. They make me do a crazy happy dance.**

**Special thanks to Cullen312 for pimping this story and to MsKathy for being awesome.**

**This chapter's song is Sexy Results by Death From Above 1979.**

**As always, I own nothing.**

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**I awoke with a groan and a blush. I could still smell the blood, but Edward was there with a kidney bowl before I could make a mess of the couch. When I was finished being sick, he held me close and I inhaled the scent of him to chase away the rusty copper scent still ingrained in my nostrils.

Edward had insisted on getting a proper blood test done by the OBGYN on staff at the Forks Hospital. Dr. Small had an office in Edward and Carlisle's practice, where he scheduled appointments every other Tuesday. He also had large hands, which had made for a really uncomfortable pelvic exam. It was very weird for me to be holding Edward's hand while another man went spelunking below the belt.

My propensity for passing out at the mere smell or sight of blood was legend among the medical professionals in Forks. Dr. Small insisted on drawing the blood himself, with me lying down just in case. It was a good thing he'd had the foresight to keep me in a supine position for the bloodletting, as Dr. Small proceeded to drop the vial, smashing it on the floor. Mercifully, he'd drawn a second vial while I was still unconscious and Edward had moved me to the couch in his office.

Edward and I went for lunch at the diner in town while Dr. Small processed the results of the test in his office. We snuggled together in a booth and flashed one another nervous smiles as we ate in anxious silence. I leaned my head on Edward's shoulder as we waited for the bill. We played hangman on the leftover napkins. The waitress snickered as she dropped the bill onto the table, reading the sentence I'd created for Edward. It was missing a few letters, but, 'M-Y H--S-B-A-N-D H-A-S A G—G-A-N-T—C C—C-K,' isn't so hard to decipher.

Dr. Small greeted us with a smile and good news. We were due to be parents in mid-March of the next year. Edward actually picked me up and spun me around several times, whooping loudly.

"Ssh!" I urged. "You're going to disturb the other patients and Carlisle is going to figure out what's going on if you don't stop it."

"Sorry baby," Edward said without a trace of contrition in his tone. "I'm just so excited!"

"Me too," I said, realizing it was true. I was excited about having this baby.

Dr. Small insisted on performing what he called a 'transvaginal ultrasound,' to determine how far along I was. When he produced the wand thingy that he was going to stick in my cooch, I had to bite my lip to refrain from asking if it had a vibrate setting. He covered it with something that looked a lot like a condom missing its reservoir tip and lubed it up good. Edward held my hand, and I tried my best not to tense up as I felt the wand penetrate my lady parts.

The screen lit up with what looked like sci-fi marshmallows. Edward chuckled when I started to hum the Ghostbuster's theme quietly. Dr. Small removed his magic wand from my vagina and turned around while I put my pants back on.

"It seems you're about four weeks along Mrs. Cullen," he said with a smile.

Edward and I looked at one another, shocked.

"You didn't knock me up on Conception Island!" I blurted out, grabbing for Edward's hand once again.

"Nope, you were already preggers," Edward confirmed.

"Alice!" I growled. Edward gave Dr. Small a confused shrug. "It was about four weeks ago when she took me out to that class, after which I did that thing, which made you wake me up the next morning with the other thing," I said, gesturing to Edward's crotch.

Realization dawned on Edward. Our baby was conceived because Alice had taken me to stripper lessons. When we woke up the morning after the class, Edward had teased me until I'd threatened to punch him in the junk every morning before the alarm clock went off. As penance, Edward had given me a ridiculous lap dance, followed by the oral sex. Followed by the not-so-oral sex, although I had to admit we were pretty loud.

"Alice got me pregnant!" I exclaimed, which prompted Dr. Small and Edward to shake their heads at me. Thankfully, Dr. Small ignored my outburst. I guess he'd seen plenty of reactions to pregnancy in his career.

"Here are some pamphlets," Dr. Small said, looking at his watch. I guessed he was trying to rush us out the door for his next appointment. "You should pick up some prenatal vitamins and schedule another appointment to see me in a couple of weeks."

Edward thanked Dr. Small and dragged me into his office, locking the door behind him. He dropped to his knees and placed a kiss on my abdomen before looking up at me through coppery lashes.

"I love you Mrs. Cullen," he declared, wrapping his arms around me. I leaned down and kissed him, gently at first, but with growing ardor as his lips moved with mine. Edward gripped my ass with his hands as he stood up, rubbing his body against mine as he rose. He picked me up and sat me on the edge of his desk, working his lips over the pulse pounding in my throat. Our lower bodies rubbed pleasantly against each another, creating delicious friction. I could hear the pounding of my heart, louder and louder as my arousal increased.

"Edward!" Carlisle yelled through the door. The pounding in my ears hadn't been my heart, but Carlisle's knuckles on the door.

"Yes Dad?" Edward called out gruffly, his movements stilling, much to my discontent. He stepped away from me and motioned for me to be silent.

"Mrs. Stanley is waiting for you in room two," Carlisle reminded Edward through the door. I stretched my arms above my head and arched my back, thrusting my breasts out towards Edward, who groaned at the image.

"Are you okay in there Edward?" Carlisle asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Edward replied. "I'll be out in a minute."

Edward kissed me once more before turning to leave. I grabbed his hand to stop him and pressed myself against his back. I leaned into his ear and whispered, "Once the coast is clear I'm going to go home and touch myself while I think about fucking you here on your desk."

Edward growled and shuddered at the mental image I'd painted for him.

"Bella, love, I have to go treat Mrs. Stanley now. I'd prefer to do it without a raging hard-on. You aren't helping," he seethed.

"Sorry," I said flippantly. "Just picture Granny Platt dancing in a string bikini. That should do the trick."

Edward pretended to gag and his shoulders were shaking with laughter as he left his office. I locked the door after him with an evil grin. My panties were soaked through and were quite frankly starting to chafe a little. I took them off and slipped them into Edward's desk drawer before leaving his office.

I strolled to my car still somewhat aroused and looking at a long afternoon without Edward. I decided to drive myself into Port Angeles for a quick shopping trip, singing along to the radio very badly along the way. I picked up some prenatal vitamins before swinging by the bookstore to load up on parenting books. I didn't realize just how many books were available on the topic. I settled on 'What To Expect When You're Expecting,' and 'Pregnancy For Dummies,' for myself and a copy of 'Babies and Other Hazards of Sex,' for Edward.

I was headed into the deli to pick up some dinner to take home when something cute and lacy caught my eye from the shop window next door. The chemise was white satin with dark blue lace accents. It was sweet and sexy all at the same time, with cute little bows holding the straps together. I decided to splurge on it as that night would be something of a celebration.

I flew home, hoping to make it there before Edward. It took me just under an hour to get home. The clock on the dashboard indicated that I'd made it home just before Edward was due to leave his office. I texted him to let him know I'd left a present in his desk drawer. Then I giggled to myself realizing I'd left my drawers in his drawer.

I put dinner in the fridge, knowing that we would be eating late tonight. As I was slipping my new purchase over my head, Edward texted me back to let me know he was on his way home. I put on some classical music and reclined on the bed to relax while I waited for my husband to come home.

My mind drifted back to the encounter Edward and I almost had on his desk today. My eyes drifted shut and my hands skimmed over my breasts as I pictured the lust in Edward's eyes as our bodies connected on his desk. I moaned as I lightly pinched my hardened nipples, wishing it was Edward's strong hands bringing me pleasure. I ran a hand up my thigh and held my palm over my mound, feeling the heat and moisture of my arousal. I firmly pressed the heel of my hand against my clit and groaned. I pictured myself grinding into Edward's erection and I slowly rolled my hips up to meet my palm. I eased two fingers into my opening and began thrusting my hips in earnest, focusing all of my senses on the pleasure centred in my pussy. I came hard, whimpering Edward's name.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when Edward started clapping from the doorway.

"How long have you been standing there?" I asked, trying to calm my racing pulse.

Edward's eyes were dark with hunger as he stalked towards the bed, loosening his tie as he approached. He grabbed my hand from my still-quivering center and licked my arousal from my fingers. He removed his tie and used it to loosely bind my wrists to the headboard. He kissed me gently and asked if it was too tight. When I shook my head to indicate I was fine, he straightened out and paced across the foot of the bed.

"You've been a very naughty girl today, my Bella. First you get me worked up in my office. Then you have the nerve to leave your fucking panties in my desk? God, I almost came in my pants when I could smell how aroused you've been today. I had to walk past my dad and our seventy year-old receptionist with a huge erection."

Edward walked back towards the head of the bed, lightly grazing his fingertips over my body as he went. He gently teased my puckered nipple through the satin of my chemise as he leaned to speak directly into my ear.

"But that's not why I'm going to punish you, love. I'm going to tease and torment you the way you've been teasing and tormenting me all day because I came home to find you'd started without me."

Edward pulled my panties out of his pocket and laid them down on the bed next to me. He slowly started removing his clothing, touching himself languorously as he went. He picked up my discarded panties and began stroking his cock with them, never once breaking eye contact with me. He cupped my breast with his free hand and circled my nipple with his thumb.

"Fuck, it was so beautiful to watch you touch yourself. Watching you play with your gorgeous tits was so hot," Edward said, kneeling next to me on the bed. As he continued to stroke himself, he sucked first one satin covered nipple and then the other into his mouth. The air from the ceiling fan cooled my heated nipples, adding fuel to my surging arousal. I moaned and crossed my legs, trying to get some friction where I needed it the most.

"Ah, ah, Bella," Edward smirked, spreading my legs apart and moving to sit between my knees. "No cumming until I say you can."

Edward pushed my chemise up over my thighs and ran his free hand over my inner thighs while he continued to pump his shaft.

"I was jealous of your fingers when I watched them disappear into your pussy, thrusting in and out. Your juices caught the light in a very appealing way. I can see you're still very wet," Edward said smoothly.

I gasped as he lightly traced my outer lips with one finger. He brought his finger to his lips and licked my moisture off of it, closing his eyes and humming in pleasure. He leaned over me to kiss me and I could feel him rubbing his arousal against my thigh as he caressed my tongue with his. He nimbly untied the straps on my chemise and revealed my breasts. My ragged breaths heaved my chest against Edward's and the slight tickle of his chest hair against my nipples was exquisite torture.

I was drunk on the taste of my husband, my lover, and the need that I felt to have him inside me. "Please," I begged, a supplication for release.

Edward lightly scratched his stubble across my jaw and licked the outer shell of my ear before whispering, "I'm not going to fuck you until I know you're going to explode as soon as I thrust into you. I need you to need me the same way I need you."

I shivered as he kissed, licked and sucked his way down my body to settle between my shaking thighs. He spread me wide open and inhaled sharply. He nudged my clit with the tip of his nose and groaned. "You smell just as good as you taste."

He traced circles around my clit with his tongue, denying me the contact that would release my impending orgasm. He rapidly flicked his tongue across my inner lips, tormenting me further. His tongue dipped into my entrance and made one slow, teasing lick up and over my clit before he pulled himself up and started teasing my entrance with his cock.

"Fuck Bella, I love you so much," he breathed erratically into my neck as he buried himself to the hilt with one sure stroke. He didn't even thrust three times before my body erupted into orgasm, bolts of pure ecstasy rapidly spreading out from where we were connected. I screamed his name and he emptied himself into me while my body pulsated around his.

Edward kissed me sweetly before he pulled out and rolled onto his back, releasing my hands and bringing me with him to snuggle. I was feeling drowsy and sated and content. I was actually starting to drift off to sleep when Edward suddenly sat up.

"Oh shit, Bella, did I hurt you?" he exclaimed, frantically running his hands over me as though he was checking for broken bones. I counted to ten and resisted the urge to bitch slap my soul mate.

"Are you seriously going to do this every single time we have sex until the baby is born? 'Cause if so, you're gonna need a hell of a lot of KY to get you through the next eight months," I snapped, my former contented mood gone.

"I'm sorry Bella," Edward groaned, pulling his fingers roughly through his hair. "It's just that I can't do anything to help you carry and protect our baby. All I can do is protect you. It would kill me to lose either of you."

"I know you're an overprotective ass sometimes. I love that you care for me that much, and I love that you already feel that towards the baby. But I'm going to lose my sanity if you don't stop treating me like I'm made of glass. You just have to trust me to tell you if things are getting too rough or enthusiastic," I said.

"Besides, so far since conceiving this baby you've fucked me over a table, in a hammock and under a waterfall. Yes, you have a huge, porno-sized cock, but I promise you won't maim the baby with your man-meat."

Edward sighed and admitted that I was right. I kissed him gently on the side of his mouth to show I wasn't really mad. That kiss led to another, and another. Edward didn't freak out after we made love again.

That was the first night I dreamt of running water. And of being trapped in a long corridor lined with doors, none of which actually led to a bathroom. I also had a cracked out dream that I was Goldilocks. Papa Bear's toilet was too tall, Mama Bear's toilet had a cracked seat, but Baby Bear's toilet was just right. I was wearing a path in the carpet between my side of the bed and the toilet. Edward thought it was funny until I cried because he was laughing at me. Stupid hormones.

Confirming my pregnancy seemed to be my body's signal to push the morning sickness into overdrive. I was sick morning, noon, and night. The littlest things set me off.

"We're going to have to tell our families about this soon," I said, clutching my abdomen on Saturday morning as Edward helped me off the bathroom floor. "They're going to know something is wrong when I'm puking through the fireworks."

"We can tell them tonight. Everyone will be there," Edward suggested.

It was the Fourth of July, and we were celebrating with a barbeque at Carlisle and Esme's, followed by fireworks. Alice and Jasper were driving in from Seattle and Charlie was going to be in attendance as well. Emmett and Rosalie were even invited. I wasn't overly excited about having to share our good news with everyone else yet, but I knew there was no way I'd be able to hide the nausea. My teetotaler status would arouse some suspicions. Edward was also practically bursting at the seams to shout his inseminating accomplishments from the Olympic Mountian range. As much as I was enjoying having this precious secret with Edward, I knew there was no way Esme wouldn't figure us out.

My morning sickness had forced me to break down and send Edward out the day before for a store-bought potato salad, as I couldn't stomach the smell of eggs. I transferred the salad into one of my own dishes and sprinkled paprika over the top. It kind of looked homemade, but I knew it just wouldn't taste the same. Edward carried the bowl out to the car for me and we drove the short distance to the barbeque.

Emmett, of course, picked me up in a gigantic bear hug the moment he saw me. The shaking and twirling set the butterflies in my stomach to tap-dancing and I had to excuse myself quickly. I nearly knocked Carlisle over in my haste to keep myself from soiling the azaleas.

Our family and friends had gone all out to prepare a feast. Emmett pouted at Carlisle who was manning the barbeque, moaning at how empty his stomach was. Rosalie just shook her head at her fiancé's actions. We each made ourselves a plate when Carlisle finally deemed the ribs and steaks fully cooked. The food, laid out buffet style, looked so delicious, but my stomach was not in the mood for food. My stomach let out a loud growly whine that I interpreted as "not tonight dear, I have a headache." I kept my portions small.

We sat at the large table on the patio and dug in to our feast. Conversation quieted as everyone was occupied with clearing their plates. I was busy pushing my food around and taking tiny bites, hoping I could fly under the radar.

"Bella!" Emmett boomed, startling me so badly that I dropped my fork with a clatter. "What is up with this potato salad?"

"Nothing," I said quickly, hoping he'd drop it.

"No, you've changed the recipe," Emmett insisted. Stubborn jackass continued, "This is good, but it's just not the same as your usual recipe. Why would you mess with perfection?"

"Just thought I'd try a new recipe," I mumbled, looking down at my plate. Edward squeezed my hand under the table and I turned to look at him. We hadn't discussed exactly how we were going to share our good news, but Edward's eyes were telling me it was okay to share now.

"I have a confession to make, Emmett," I said dramatically. "The new recipe is called, 'I Had To Send Edward Out For Store-Bought Salad Because My Morning Sickness Is Sucking The Life Out Of Me And Won't Let Me Near The Smell Of Eggs,' salad."

There was complete silence for several moments as the people around the table struggled to process what I'd just said. Charlie was the first one to make a noise, whooping and hollering with a large grin on his face. I looked at him askance.

"I need a new fishing buddy," was all he said, with a shrug.

Esme leapt up from her seat and hugged me for dear life, laughing and crying. Everyone clamored for information and took turns patting my non-existent belly.

"I can't wait to take my niece or nephew shopping," Alice said dreamily. I looked at Jasper apologetically. Alice was making great strides in overcoming her shopping addiction, but she occasionally had setbacks. He just smiled at me and offered his congratulations.

"I'll teach her how to change her own oil and flat tires," Rosalie promised.

"I'll teach him how to pick up the ladies," Emmett threatened.

"I can't wait to start baking with my grandbaby," Esme dreamed out loud. "We can take him or her to the park and to the movies. Oh! We can go to that Petting Zoo in Sequim."

"No!" I practically screamed at my mother-in-law, causing Charlie to chuckle.

"Bella's been traumatized by petting zoos. I took her to one the summer she was four. She got mauled by deer and goats. I almost had to literally butt heads with a billy goat to rescue my little girl," Charlie reminisced.

"Who lets their tiny, clumsy child in a pen with beasts like that, carrying an ice cream cone?" I asked rhetorically. I would protect my baby from evil Bambi.

"I won't let anyone unleash a horde of cuddly woodland creatures on our child," Edward promised me with a smile.

Edward and I snuggled together in a lounge chair as our fathers put on an impressive fireworks display. Emmett was so impressed that he even stopped whining to be set free. His pyromania had prompted Charlie to handcuff him to the deck for his own protection.

Once the fireworks were over and we said our goodbyes, Edward gave me a piggyback ride to the car. He insisted on carrying me into the house and tucking me into bed. I yawned and snuggled into his arms, secure in the knowledge that I was surrounded by people who loved and supported me.

* * *

**K, I know I usually make sure I catch up on responding to reviews before I post, but I have very little time this morning before I have to leave for work. I promise to respond to reviews this evening.**

**And for those who are looking forward to Edward + cockring...I promise if you'll be patient I have special plans for that ;)  
**


	7. Discotheque

**As always, I own nothing.**

**Happy belated Birthday to MsKathy, who protects all of you from my mistakes. She's awesome like that.**

**Discotheque is by U2. Went to their show last week at it was super fucking awesome.**

**

* * *

**"Moxie Crimefighter."

"No."

"Pilot Inspektor."

"No."

"Fifi Trixibelle."

"I'm having a baby, not a labradoodle!"

Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Edward and I were sitting around Alice and Jasper's dining room table discussing possible names for the Baby Cullen I was growing. What had started out as a serious discussion devolved into the others suggesting crazy names that celebrities had given their children, which I promptly shot down.

"Sage Moonblood."

"Ew!"

"Destry."

"Isn't that a villain from G.I. Joe?" Edward asked.

"Nope, you're thinking of Destro," Emmett replied.

"I'm not naming my baby after a celebrity baby," I insisted. "Especially not a baby with a crazy name like Destry. Who gave their poor baby that name?"

"Steven Spielberg," Emmett replied, taking another swig from his beer.

Emmett and Rosalie's wedding rehearsal had gone off without a hitch for the most part. Rose and Emmett had decided to get married at the Seattle Aquarium, which is where they had their first date. I had gotten plenty of candid shots of Emmett gazing adoringly at Rose as she gazed in annoyance right back at him. Rosalie was going to get carpal tunnel syndrome from the sheer volume of slaps she aimed at the back of Emmett's head. To be fair, I would have slapped Edward too if he'd loudly declared how many hours left until the honeymoon sex, in front of my father.

Rose, like the rest of my brides, was content to have me shoot her wedding digitally. I'd taken on a couple of 'apprentices' recommended to me by one of my old professors to come along and shoot some good old-fashioned film free of charge. This would give the brides a little something extra for being so understanding and it would give the apprentices some experience and photos to put in their portfolios.

After the rehearsal, everyone had gathered back at Emmett's parents' house to enjoy an informal dinner. At nearly twelve weeks along in my pregnancy, the morning sickness was starting to ease up a bit, so I was able to enjoy the simple feast spread before us. After we'd eaten our fill, Rose had declared that she needed her beauty sleep. Emmett declared that he was quite sure he was too excited to sleep. Alice and Jasper had been kind enough to let us stay over at their place, as the rehearsal was Friday night and I was needed bright and early on Saturday morning in Seattle. We agreed to bring Emmett over with us to hang out for a while.

Conversation had turned from the upcoming wedding to baby names pretty fast. Edward and I hadn't even given any thought to color schemes for the nursery, never mind the all important decision of what to name the baby. We didn't want a cookie cutter name that every other kid in the class would have. On the other hand, we didn't want to strap our child with a name they would hate with a fiery vengeance until the day they either died or shelled out big bucks to have it legally changed. Hearing some of the names people were giving their kids these days made me shudder. Blue Angel isn't a name, it's a campfire trick that could singe the hair off your asshole if you aren't careful. With a name like that, you might as well just make their middle name something along the lines of, 'My Parents Are Hippies Who Thought Giving Me A Fun And Unique Name Was More Important Than My Self-Esteem And Mental Health.' I don't think that would fit onto a driver's license though.

"Have you told Renee yet?" Alice asked.

"She's coming up to visit with Phil for the Labor Day long weekend. We're going to tell her then," I said, somewhat nervously. I knew Renee would love her grandbaby more than life itself, but I wasn't quite sure what her initial reaction would be.

"She'll be excited, Bella," Alice promised, noticing my discomfort.

As Edward caught me rubbing my slightly pooched out belly, he gave me The Look. The Look that makes my vagina stand up and scream, "YES, PLEASE!!" We quietly excused ourselves and made our way up to the guest room that was ours for the weekend. Our clothes were off faster than Grannie Marie's bingo dabbing arm could travel. Sitting too close to that woman in a bingo hall had given me my share of bruises over the years. Grannie Marie counting out pennies in the checkout lane? Slower than a turtle stoned on quaaludes. Grannie Marie dabbing bingo cards? Made the speed of light look like a stroll through the park on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

"Ow! Gentle with the melons," I exclaimed quietly, as Edward gave me a rather enthusiastic tweak. My ladies were very, very sensitive at the moment. Too much stimulation was painful. It was like permanent PMS, and it sucked.

My boobs were getting noticeably fuller, which was more than okay with Edward. He had proclaimed his love for the effects of pregnancy on my breasts a little too enthusiastically the week before, which had planted some self-esteem damaging thoughts into my head. Were my breasts too small for Edward's liking? Had he been hiding his dissatisfaction with my funbags the whole time we'd been together? We both ended up going to sleep without orgasms that night. Apparently my first hormonal outburst of irrational tears was a mood killer.

Edward eased his hands up on my breasts and switched to tonguing them instead. His right hand meandered down my ribcage and took a sharp left once he reached the curve of my hip. His fingertip running over my pussy felt like...sandpaper? That wasn't right.

"Love?" Edward asked, clearly confused by the arid state of my southern region.

"I'm horny," was all I could offer, with a shrug of my shoulders. I had no idea why I wasn't getting wet.

Edward and I tried kissing and talking dirty. He gave me a wonderful massage and even touched himself for me, which usually got me going. I just got hornier and hornier, but no wetter. My frustration peaked and we ended up going for the soixante-neuf to satisfy our urges.

"It's completely normal for some women to get a little dry during the first trimester," Edward said, as I was drifting off to sleep. "We'll stop off at the store and pick up some KY on the way out of town."

"M'kay," I mumbled, before losing myself in a dream of giving birth to a large head of steamed broccoli.

Rose and Emmett's wedding was beautiful. The rain stayed away for the simple outdoor ceremony. Rosalie was a gorgeous bride and Emmett teared up during his vows, which in turn made me tear up. Rosalie giggled at Emmett through her own tears. I'd seen many weddings in my career, and this one stood out for me as one of the most sincere, touching, funny ceremonies ever. Emmett vowed to love, cherish and honor Rosalie, and to keep his hands off of her power tools. Rose promised to love, cherish and honor Emmett, and to attend at least one live sporting event each year with him.

Shooting the reception was slightly challenging, as the head table was placed directly in front of the underwater Window on Washington Waters inside the Aquarium. Emmett and Rosalie ended up with some stunning photos with the vibrant sea life providing a dramatic backdrop. Edward was in doctor mode, making sure I sat down to eat my dinner. The lavender rubbed pork was to die for. The speeches were light-hearted and sentimental. Everyone was relaxed and having a good time.

Emmett and Rose danced their first dance to Mr. Big's 'To Be With You,' which was a perfect song for them. They met on the University of Washington campus while Rose was still dating Royce King. Emmett had fallen in love at first sight, but Rose's heart belonged to Royce. Royce was her highschool sweetheart, and she thought he was the one until she found out he was secretly filming their sexcapades and selling the videos online. Rose was crushed and has had trust issues ever since. Emmett waited patiently for five years before Rosalie finally agreed to go on an official date with him. They'd been together ever since.

Weddings tend to make Edward horny, but we hadn't had a chance to pick up any lube yet, and I wasn't really in the mood anyway. Being the nice wife that I am, I talked dirty to Edward in the shower while he rubbed one out before bed.

Edward did pick up the promised bottle of lube on Sunday, while Alice and I purchased some nice maternity wear for me. My slowly expanding belly was starting to make my clothes slightly snug. After a day spent purchasing a new wardrobe, I was way too tired for sexy fun times, so we didn't get a chance to try the lube.

By the time Edward arrived home for dinner on Monday, I was in the foulest mood he'd ever encountered me in. I had dropped a brand new contact lens down the drain and was stuck wearing my glasses until we could order a new set. Edward had done absolutely nothing to provoke my ill temper, but I spent the evening snapping at him anyway. I wouldn't have been surprised to find out that he'd replaced the water in the glass on my nightstand with holy water.

Tuesday morning had me in tears again, apologizing for the evil woman Edward had come home to the night before. He forgave me easily, blaming my hormones for my crazy mood swings. We made out until he absolutely had to get out of bed to get ready for work. That afternoon was my regular check-up with Dr. Small, and Edward had left the last hour of his day empty so he could attend the appointment with me.

I sat in the waiting room, giggling and wincing to myself as I read the book Jasper had given me over the weekend. He was quite the anthropology buff, and he'd given me a book on pregnancy and childbirth in other cultures. Edward came out to join me in waiting after he'd finished with his last patient of the day.

"Did you know that Aristotle believed that boys came from sperm in the right testicle and girls came from sperm in the left? People actually used to hack off their left nut to try and have boys." I shuddered at the thought. Edward winced.

"So when you knocked me up, did you nut from the left or the right?" I asked teasingly.

Edward laughed. "Why, do you want to know if we're having a boy or a girl?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I kind of want to be surprised, but I'm not a very patient person. I don't know if I can wait another 28 weeks to find out. Do you want to find out?"

"I may find out whether I want to or not during your ultrasound," Edward replied. "I've been trained to read ultrasounds."

"We've got a couple of weeks left to decide," I said, settling back against Edward on the couch in the waiting room to continue reading. Carlisle joined us and he and Edward started making plans for the barbeque we were going to be having that weekend at our house. I was kind of nervous about hosting my first large family event in our new home.

"Oh, I think I'd like to try this form of alternative pain management during my labor," I said, as something in the book caught my eye. "Apparently the Huichol Indians in Mexico tie a string around the expectant father's testicles when the mother goes into labor. That way, when she's in pain, she can pull the string and he can share in the pain with her."

"Fuck no!" Edward exclaimed.

"Edward! Language! Your mother and I taught you better than to curse in front of a lady," Carlisle scolded.

"Esme will kill you if our baby's first word is a cuss word," I pointed out.

"Sorry," Edward mumbled. I winked and kissed him lightly to let him know I'd only been joking.

Dr. Small quickly and efficiently took my measurements and recorded them on my chart. We discussed how I was feeling and what I could expect in the weeks to come. Then he asked me to lie down and pulled out a tiny machine.

"Bella, Edward, we're going to see if we can hear the baby's heartbeat. Don't worry if we don't find it today, it's not always audible this early on and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong," Dr. Small said, raising my shirt and lowering my pants a little.

Edward brought out the mini-recorder he used to record his piano compositions as Dr. Small squirted the dreaded cold goo over my tiny bump. The sounds of my digestion filled the room and I blushed. The doctor moved the wand slowly over my abdomen in search of the rhythm we were after. I held my breath in anticipation, worried that he wouldn't find it. I was slowly letting out a breath when suddenly the sound of galloping horses raced through the room. My baby was real. I was actually going to be a mom. I was floored by the wonder and responsibility.

Edward held my hand and cried right along with me at the most beautiful sound we'd ever heard. Dr. Small let Edward record our baby's heartbeat for a few minutes longer before sending us home with an all clear on the Uterus Front.

We stopped in at the diner for dinner, and took a meal to Charlie at the station on our way home. My usually gruff and unaffected father had to blink rapidly and clear his throat a couple of times when we played him our baby's heartbeat. He hugged me gently before we left, an unusually public display of affection from my reticent father.

Esme nearly sobbed with happiness when she heard her grandbaby for the first time. She insisted on playing in twice more before Edward offered to copy the file to her computer so that she could play it whenever she wanted. Esme's tears prompted my own and Carlisle wisely retrieved us each a bowl of ice cream and some tissues.

Edward and I were a little tired and a lot excited when we finally arrived home. Edward insisted on carrying me to the bedroom and we laughed, recalling the first time he carried me to our bedroom. I'd been drunk and puked down the back of his shirt. As much fun as it was having Edward carry me, I didn't like feeling coddled. I was actually looking forward to being so hugely pregnant that my husband couldn't lift me anymore.

Edward set me carefully on the edge of the bed and removed my glasses, setting them on the nightstand before kissing each of my eyelids. He helped me undress and tucked me under the covers before shutting off the lights and climbing in next to me. Our innocent goodnight kiss was derailed when I "accidentally" grabbed Edward's cock.

He flipped me over onto my back and kissed his way down my body, bringing me to a quick and intense orgasm with his tongue and fingers. When I'd recovered my faculties somewhat, I reached into the drawer on my side of the bed to pull out the lube. I was determined to have intercourse with my husband, come hell or high water.

I pulled the top off of the tube of lube and squeezed a dollop onto my hand. I spread it between my palms and got to work greasing up Edward's shaft in preparation for Operation Penetration. I even worked some lube onto his balls, just for kicks.

It quickly became apparent that something was not right. The lube was drying up and Edward flinched away from my touch.

"Stop," he commanded, pulling away from my hands.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It feels gritty," Edward replied, puzzled.

I quickly put on my glasses and flicked on the lamp. I glanced at my hands as I pulled them away from the lamp and gasped. They were covered in sparkles.

"What the hell?!" Edward exclaimed, looking down at his sparkly penis. Realization dawned on me.

"Shit!" I muttered quietly.

"Bella?" Edward asked.

"Yes?"

"Why is my cock sparklier than a Mardi Gras float?"

"I'm so sorry. Some of the makeup Alice gave me for Halloween last year must have gotten mixed up with the bedroom stuff when we moved in. Without my glasses on, I assumed this was the KY," I said, holding up a tube of glitter gel.

Edward stood up and his manly parts cast rainbows around the room. My quiet giggles turned into loud guffaws. I went from chortle to snort laugh in under six seconds. Edward put his hands on his hips and cocked an angry eyebrow at me.

"I'm sorry," I gasped out between chuckles. "But you're dazzling me with your disco balls!"

Edward threw his hands up and stalked towards the bathroom, clearly not amused. I heard the sounds of Edward cursing quietly as he started the shower. I followed him to the bathroom with a plan. The only way to fix Glittergate was with oral sex. I just hoped he wasn't permanently maimed. I wasn't in the mood to offer anal penance.

Edward was in the shower facing the wall, braced by one muscular forearm. His head was down and I could see his other arm was washing the glitter off. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear he was beating off. The idea had me quite hot and bothered.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly, kissing his shoulder while subtly rubbing my bare breasts against his soapy back. Edward sighed and turned around to face me. I not-so-subtly rubbed my breasts against his soapy front. "Are you okay?"

"I'm not permanently injured," Edward replied, rocking his erection into my belly. "I'm sorry I flipped out, baby. We haven't had a lot of luck lately when it comes to being intimate, and I miss being inside of you. I miss how close to you I feel when we're making love. Forgive me?"

Edward gave me the Bambi eyes and I giggled.

"I will forgive you on one condition. You have to let me give you a blowjob as penance," I said saucily. I felt like I owed him one for giving him a sparkle peen.

"Well, if you must suck my cock, I guess I'll just have to endure," Edward said with mock resignation. "But I'm in charge of the lube from here on out."

We towelled each other off teasingly between kisses and gropes. I led Edward to the bed and laid him down. I climbed on top of him and licked my way from his lips to his erection. I started off with teasing licks and kisses. I swirled my tongue around the head of his shaft before engulfing his entire length into my mouth. Edward cursed and threaded his hands into my hair as I bobbed my head up and down over him.

"Baby, I want to be inside you," he gasped out, gently pulling me up.

I almost came watching Edward lube up his cock for me. He held it steady for me while I slowly lowered myself onto him. I kissed him sweetly as I began to work myself over his length. I leaned back and threw my hair over my shoulder, gently teasing my breasts as I leisurely ground myself against him. I leaned back and braced myself with one hand on his leg as I sucked on the index finger of my other hand. I used my moistened finger to press down on my clit and I moaned at the contact. Edward was hitting me in all the right places and it wasn't long before my thrusts grew as erratic as my breathing.

"Fuck, yes, Edward!" I cried out as my orgasm slammed into me with great force, lighting up my vision with sparks.

Edward grabbed my hips and thrust several more times before spilling into me with a groaned obscenity. I toppled forward and rested on top of Edward before he rolled me to the side. I whimpered when he pulled out to cover us with the blankets.

"So am I forgiven for giving you a Liberace-style penis?" I asked, snuggling up to Edward drowsily.

"Mmhmm," Edward mumbled, kissing my forehead.

"It could have been worse you know," I said mischievously.

"How so?" Edward asked warily.

"You could have been lubing me up for butt sex. I would have been shitting sparkles," I said with a giggle.

Edward laughed with me and we made love once more before going to sleep.

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**Hmm...anyone have any name suggestions?**


	8. Pills

**I own nothing. MsKathy=awesome.**

**This update is coming to you live from my front porch. The wifi is acting up and that is currently the only place I can get a clear signal. I am freezing and I was just accosted by a gigantic spider. Please, for the love of all that is holy, continue to show the love. It's your awesome reviews and feedback that keep me typing despite the shivering :)**

**Pills is my favourite song by the New York Dolls.  
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**I was frantic. I spent the day running back and forth from home to the grocery store and back. I kept adding dishes to the weekend's menu and realizing I didn't have the proper ingredients to prepare them. With Esme as my mother-in-law, I was determined that my first time hosting a family event was going to be perfect, even if it was just a Labor Day barbeque. I was frantic in my preparations, even though the main event wasn't until Sunday. It was still only Friday.

Edward had left just after lunch to pick Renee and Phil up from the airport in Seattle, which was further adding to my stress. The outfit I was wearing that day concealed the bump pretty well, but it wouldn't take Renee long to figure out my happy news. I hoped she considered it happy news. She was not keen on the idea of women trapping themselves into their marriages with babies until they were in their thirties. I was almost there already, but I still couldn't predict how she would react. She hadn't been thrilled about me getting married right out of college, but she'd been supportive anyway, and Edward had definitely won her over.

It was getting late in the afternoon when I arrived home from the grocery store for the fourth time that day to find a package on the front steps. I brought it into the house along with the fresh chives and cilantro I'd gone out to buy. I set my herbs down and tore into the package. It was from Emmett and Rose, a thank-you gift for photographing their wedding.

The card read,

"_Dear (Baby)Belly,_

_Thank you so much for taking the time to record beautiful memories of our happy day. We noticed that you may be in need of maternity clothing soon, so here's a little something to get you started. Stay safe ;)_

_Love,_

_Rosalie and Emmett McCarty."_

I opened the box and reached in, wondering why maternity clothing would require bubblewrap. Then I howled with laughter as I realized the bubblewrap was the maternity wear. Rose and Emmett had fashioned me a dress made entirely out of bubblewrap. I guess my favorite EMT was trying to tell me to be safe with the baby.

I was still chuckling when I entered the kitchen after stashing the gift in the bedroom to show to Edward later. I rolled up my sleeves and started preparing dinner. If Renee couldn't tell right away that I was pregnant, tonight's menu would certainly give her a huge hint. Baby back ribs, honey glazed baby carrots and a baby spinach salad.

I had just finished setting the table when I heard the front door open. I flew to the door and my mother's arms. I hadn't seen her since the previous Christmas, and she didn't appear to have aged since. She laughed and hugged me. She held me out at arm's length to study me before pulling me in for another hug.

"I missed you so much, baby!" she exclaimed, giving me a loud kiss on the cheek before releasing me. We settled into the living room to catch up while we waited for dinner to finish cooking.

"There's something different about you, Bella. Did you do something new with your hair?" Renee asked me.

Edward laughed as I blushed.

"She got her hair cut last week. I promptly complimented her when she got home," Edward said.

"You have such a sweet husband. Phil wouldn't notice a new haircut unless I gave myself a Mohawk," Renee joked.

"I think I actually have pictures of your punk glory days mom," I laughed, pulling a photo album off the shelf to show Phil. The album showcased my parents as teenagers. Charlie was so straight-laced even as a teenager, but Renee wore lots of leather and jeans held together by safety pins. At the age of sixteen, she had given herself a Mohawk, dyed bright pink. She was the only punk in Forks, and she fell for the preppiest boy in town. Opposites do attract, but I guess they don't always work out.

Phil thought Renee's teen pictures were hilarious, and I was happy to see the two of them were still ridiculously in love nearly ten years into their marriage. The little touches when they thought no one was looking, and the way their bodies relaxed when they looked at each other was beautiful. I wanted Edward and I to be in love like that 50 years from then.

Dinner was a comfortable affair and we spent plenty of time catching up as we dug into our meal. My mom told embarrassing stories of my penchant for falling while growing up. She was eyeing me suspiciously throughout the meal. I just winked at her and smiled. She was getting suspicious.

After dinner, Edward and I gave Renee and Phil a tour of the house. We ended the tour in the guest room across the hall from our bedroom, where Renee and Phil would be staying for the weekend.

"It's so pretty," Renee exclaimed, taking in the simple but classic decor of the room.

"It's nice," Edward agreed. "But we're going to have to redecorate it soon. We're expecting a guest in March who plans on staying with us for a very long time."

Edward wrapped his arms around me from behind and rubbed my tiny bump. Renee squealed, causing the rest of us to flinch at the volume and pitch of her voice.

"I'm gonna be a grandma!" she yelled over and over, actually jumping up and down on the bed. I looked on in horror as her ankle twisted, launching her from the bed. She landed with a groan and rolled over, clutching her left arm, which was already swelling. I guess my lack of coordination was hereditary after all.

Phil and Edward ended up taking Renee to the ER while I cleaned up after dinner. Several hours passed and they hadn't come home yet. I was considering driving down to the hospital when I heard Edward's car pull into the driveway, followed by loud caterwauling. I looked out the window to see Phil and Edward trying to corral my mother into the house. She had a cast on her arm, and she was singing at the top of her lungs.

"Baby! My baby's having a baby!" Renee yelled out as she stumbled across the threshold enthusiastically.

"Demerol," was all Phil could say. I nodded in understanding.

It seemed to take forever to convince my mother to go to bed. Unlike normal people, narcotics tended to make my mother hyper. She'd had her tonsils taken out the day before my grade eight graduation and made a huge scene at the ceremony. She'd gotten up in the middle of the choir's version of "Imagine," to perform an ad-libbed interpretive dance. Thank God Charlie had made the trip to see me graduate, as he was the one who had to wrestle her back into her seat. Edward was the only soul in Forks who knew this deep, dark secret. He had sworn to take it to his grave, even though he laughed his ass off when I showed him the video.

Phil finally whispered something in Renee's ear that made her light up like a Christmas tree. I really could have done without my mother screaming out "Ride 'em cowboy!" but she staggered up the stairs willingly.

Edward and I cringed before making our way to our room. I knew we'd be listening to some music that night to drown out any icky thumps coming from the guest room. I changed into some comfy pj's and went to brush my teeth, leaving Edward alone in the bedroom. I was in the rinse and spit phase when I heard Renee's voice coming from my room.

"Woah, not the bathroom!" she giggled. "Sorry Edward."

I heard a high pitched squeal of fright. I knew from experience that it was coming from my husband rather than my mother. I hoped that if this baby was a boy, he would get Charlie's masculine yell instead of Edward's pathetic squeak.

I exited the bathroom to find my mother gaping at my husband. My naked husband, who had a death grip on the pillow strategically covering his manly bits. Renee was staring at the pillow in shock, her mouth agape. Edward was blushing fifty shades of red.

"Okay, Mom," I said, taking charge of the situation. "Let's get you to bed."

I grabbed my mother by her good arm and pulled her from the room.

"Bella, he's huge!" my mother stage whispered with a giggle.

"I know, Mom. Goodnight," I sighed, pointing to her door.

"But, he's porno sized!" she shrieked, holding her hands spread apart the way a fisherman does when he's indicating the size of his catch.

"Goodnight, Mom," I repeated, knocking on her door this time, before opening it and pushing her gently through.

I returned to my room and locked the door behind me. Edward was still where I'd left him on the bed, rock lobster complexion, junk pillow and all. His face was frozen in an expression of sheer horror. I settled onto the bed beside him and kissed his gaping mouth.

"What the hell happened?" I asked, not sure if I even wanted to know.

"I. She. You," was all Edward managed before squeaking again. I sighed and pulled Edward into his happy place, which is nestled face first between my breasts. I held him close and waited for him to calm down. I ran my fingers through his hair and hummed him a little tune.

"Honey, are you okay?" I asked.

Edward shook himself, as though waking from a dream. He wouldn't meet my eyes and his skin burned an even brighter shade of red. If I didn't get him calmed down soon, sailors on leave would see his glow from the shore and think we were running a brothel.

"Bella, you know those pj's make me horny," Edward said, gesturing to my flannel pants and silk camisole combo. "So I figured I'd get the engine warmed up while you were in the bathroom, so to speak. And then Renee walked in."

"Edward, are you saying that you were touching your bathing suit area when my mom came in?" I asked, trying not to laugh at the situation. If the roles were reversed, I knew I'd be super uncomfortable.

"Yes," Edward groaned into my cleavage.

"Oh baby, you shouldn't worry. My mom gets really looped out on narcotics, but I promise you she won't remember a thing in the morning."

"Really?" Edward asked, looking up at me hopefully.

"Really," I reassured him, before placing a kiss on his forehead.

It was then that I noticed whose pillow he'd used to cover his man meat. My pillow. I pulled the pillow off his lap and grimaced at the small spot of pre-splooge he'd left behind.

"Edward, I'm stealing your pillow. You should know by now that I really, really love you because I sleep in the wet spot all the time. But I am not putting my face in your wet spot," I said teasingly, trying to get Edward to smile.

Edward chuckled and winced as he looked at the pillow. "I guess I'm going to go buy us some new pillows tomorrow."

I sighed and settled into bed, cuddling up to Edward. My mother and her opiate assisted antics had cockblocked us for the night. There was always tomorrow.

Tomorrow never came. Rather I should say, tomorrow came; Edward and I did not.

Phil, Edward, Carlisle, and Charlie decided that some manly bonding time was in order, so they took off to do some fishing, leaving me at home with Renee and Esme. We ended up settling into the living room for a nice chat after lunch.

"So, how have those hormones been treating you so far, Bells?" my mom asked.

"Nothing too extreme yet, Mom. I've had some nausea, but that seems to have gone away. I've only freaked out on Edward once for absolutely no logical reason. I haven't had any weird cravings yet, either."

"When I was pregnant with you, I craved nothing but Pop Tarts," Renee reminisced. "Always the strawberry ones with frosting."

"It's no wonder I can't stand those," I joked. "What about you, Esme? Any strong cravings when you were pregnant with Alice and Edward?"

"Oh my, yes. I craved kiwi yogurt. Not just any kiwi yogurt, it had to be kiwi fruit on the bottom yogurt. I would eat the top half without stirring before mixing it together to eat the bottom half. I went through about two dozen individual containers in a week. Poor Carlisle had to drag me out of the grocery store the day they stopped selling that yogurt. I was screaming and cursing at the dairy manager," Esme laughed.

"No!" I exclaimed, having a hard time imagining my picture-perfect mother-in-law cussing out a complete stranger. I loved her all the more for it.

"Yes, Carlisle tried making me some kiwi yogurt one day, but it just wasn't the same."

"Aw," I replied. Edward had certainly learned how to treat a lady from watching his father over the years. The two of them were definitely smooth operators when they wanted to be.

"Charlie wasn't nearly as supportive as that," Renee laughed. "I had horrible morning sickness with Bella. I would throw up at all hours of the day and night for the first seven and a half months of my pregnancy. Once, Charlie had the nerve to turn up the volume on the television when I was throwing up because he didn't want to miss the highlights of the game!"

"Edward was so sweet while I was sick. He held my hair back and everything," I said with a fond smile.

"You ladies are definitely lucky," Renee said wistfully.

"Yep, if you want a man who'll hold your hair back while you puke, you need to marry a doctor," I laughed.

"Carlisle had no problems with my morning sickness," Esme offered. "It was the pregnancy gas that nearly did him in."

I howled with laughter, picturing my dignified mother-in-law farting in front of Carlisle. It just seemed wrong somehow.

"I know what you mean," I gasped out, wiping the tears from my eyes. "Last week my allergies were acting up. Every time I sneezed, I broke wind. Edward and I actually had to go out for a walk to let the air clear in the house last Thursday."

"What about sex, Bella?" my mother asked. "Is everything going okay?"

"Mom," I blushed, looking down at my lap.

"Well I'm not asking you to reveal all the dirty details, but is everything alright in that department?" Renee asked.

"Mom, I'm not going to discuss my sex life with you, especially in front of Esme," I insisted.

"Bella, you have nothing to be ashamed about," Renee said. "Especially after what I saw last night in your room."

"You cannot let on that you remember any of that!" I exclaimed.

Esme looked between the two of us, confused.

"Renee got lost looking for the bathroom last night and got a pretty detailed view of Edward. Edward was traumatized, so I had to tell him you probably wouldn't remember a thing today," I explained.

The men came home to find us all giggling like schoolgirls tripped out on nitrous. In honor of the baby news, we all went out to dinner, where the laughs and good times continued. Edward and I were a little tired when we got home, but not too tired to feel a little frisky.

"Mmm, baby, I love you," Edward murmured huskily into my ear. I shivered at the sensation of his five o'clock shadow tickling along the edge of my ear, and the arousal it caused between my thighs.

"I love you too," I breathed into his neck, inhaling the scent of him. Over the past few weeks, I'd noticed myself becoming addicted to the smell of Edward. I'd even been waking up with my nose buried in his armpit some mornings. If I didn't watch myself, I worried that Edward would come home one day to find me masturbating while sniffing his man panties. It sounds sexy when a man wants to rub one out with a lady's undergarments, but when the roles are reversed? It's a little disturbing.

Edward started to agonizingly slowly make his way from my ear down my neck with tiny licks, kisses and the occasional bite. I tangled my fingers up in his hair to push him lower when I heard a moan that didn't belong to myself or Edward. It was my mom.

"Well goodnight," I said, rolling over to turn on the iHome. Edward groaned and settled in for another night of chaste cuddles.

We were both a little grumpy the next morning. I'd had some incredibly sexy dreams about making love to Edward in a lush meadow, but Renee was knocking on our door to announce she'd made breakfast for us before Edward and I could get very far.

"Tonight," I promised. "Even if we have to sneak out and do it in the car, we're fucking well going to fuck tonight!"

"I can't wait," Edward growled, pinning me to the door of our bedroom. He kissed me hard and rubbed his morning wood in just the right spot to make me gasp. I growled back at him when he left me standing there, mouth agape as he whistled his way down the stairs to eat.

Thus began our day of sometimes passive, but mostly aggressive seduction.

At breakfast, Edward rubbed his hand up and down my thigh while he drank his coffee. His caffeinated coffee. I'd given up caffeine for the sake of the baby, so his taunting me with caffeine and sex hands was a double blow. In retaliation, I grabbed a banana from their hammock on the counter and practically fellated it behind my mother and Phil's backs. Edward's eyes widened before narrowing. The gauntlet was thrown and he was accepting my challenge.

Edward went upstairs to shower and I quickly ran after him. By the time I made it to our room, I could hear the water running in the bathroom. I stripped down and headed to towards the bathroom door, intending to tease the hell out of Edward while he showered. The bathroom door was locked. I let out an indignant squeal and heard Edward's answering laugh from the bathroom.

The thought of Edward's hard body glistening with drops of water made my girly parts squishy and hot. Payback's a bitch, and there ain't nothing bitchier than a pregnant woman. I sat on the edge of the bed and plunged two fingers into my pussy, coating them with my juices. I was so happy to be rid of the first trimester dryness. I moaned a little, thrusting in and out. I was really starting to enjoy myself when I heard Edward unlock the bathroom door. I quickly pulled my fingers out and made my way over to the door.

Edward opened the door, steam billowing out of the bathroom toward me. I could taste the scent of him on the humid air. His hair was wet, tiny droplets of water dripping onto his broad shoulders. He wearing nothing but an impressively tented towel. I leaned up to kiss him hard, before touching my glistening fingers to his mouth. His eyes fluttered closed and he sucked my fingers into his mouth. He let out a groan that matched my own as he swirled his tongue around my digits. I pulled my fingers out of his mouth and stole his towel. I grasped his erection gently and rubbed my palm over the tip.

"Thinking about you makes me so wet," I breathed into Edward's ear before smacking his ass firmly and locking myself in the bathroom for my shower.

"Woman, you will be the death of me," Edward rumbled at me through the door. After a relaxing warm shower, I girded myself for battle. I put on a royal blue sundress that buttoned up at the top of the bodice. The loose skirt hit me mid-thigh and the cotton felt wonderfully soft as it whispered over my skin. I left the top button undone to drive Edward crazy.

The rest of the morning and early afternoon was spent preparing for the dinner we were hosting that evening. Edward, Charlie, and Carlisle had recently finished covering over and screening in the large back deck, so we would be able to eat outside, despite the heavy rain currently falling. The ladies were putting the finishing touches on the meal preparations while the men dutifully set the table and barbequed the homemade burgers Edward had prepared the day before.

I was cutting up the last of the vegetables for the salad that Esme was putting together when I felt Edward wrap his arms around me from behind. He hummed softly into my ear while his thumbs ghosted along the undersides of my breasts before grabbing a slice of cucumber from the cutting board. My face was red and my breathing heavy when he pulled away to finish putting the drinks on the table. Renee caught my eye and giggled. I flushed an even deeper shade of red.

Conversation around the dinner table was relaxed. Edward held my hand when we weren't eating, and traced his fingers over the lines of my palm. I smiled sweetly at him, eager for everyone to leave so I could have my husband all to myself.

The food was delicious, and the apple pie I served for dessert was enjoyed by all. No one made a move to clear the table, and conversation continued well into the gathering evening. I slowly ran my hand up Edward's thigh as his father told a story about a crazy patient he'd once taken care of in the ER. Edward's breath hitched as I lightly squeezed his erection through his pants. I caught Edward's eye and inclined my head ever so slightly towards the door.

"Excuse me," I said, standing up. "Pregnancy beckons."

As I made my way to the bathroom, I heard Edward make his excuses. I didn't have to wait long for him.

Edward knocked three times on the bathroom door, our own private Bat-signal. I opened the door for him and he barged right in, his lips attacking mine before he could even get the door closed. I hoisted myself up and wrapped my legs around him as he pinned me to the door, locking it with one hand, kneading my ass with the other.

I could hear the sounds of someone in the kitchen rinsing off the dishes over the sounds of our heavy breathing. The window was slightly open, letting in the gorgeous night breeze as well as the low murmur of conversation from the deck. The fridge opened and closed, and I ran my fingers through Edward's hair.

I quickly unbuttoned my dress for Edward while he rubbed his erection along my arousal. He didn't even bother trying to take my bra off before feasting on my breasts. He merely pulled my bra down, my breasts spilling out over the top and into his eager hands. I gasped in pleasure as he gently bit down on my nipple before soothing it with gentle laps of his rough tongue. My legs were shaking with my desire for release, and I was afraid that I would fall over.

Edward pulled my panties down and ran his nimble fingers over my silken folds. "Please," I whisper-begged. Edward dropped to his knees and pulled one of my legs over his shoulder, his fingers never leaving their place at the center of my need. My head banged back against the door with a gentle thud when Edward took my clit into his mouth and flicked it rapidly with his tongue. I was in heaven and I was drowning, the pleasure almost too much to bear.

Just as quickly as Edward had banked my arousal to near the breaking point, he abandoned his attentions. He stood up, pulling me into his embrace and carrying me over to the vanity. He sat me down on the edge, kissing me and caressing my tongue with his. I could taste myself on his tongue and I loved it, knowing that Edward savoured every inch of me.

I shivered in anticipation when I heard Edward's belt buckle hit the floor, and felt the whisper of his erection brush across my inner thigh. He slid into me and we both exhaled in relief at finally being home again. His thrusts started slowly and reverently. I truly felt him worshipping my body with his, his movements a benediction of our love.

What started out as a slow dance quickly coiled into another beast altogether. This was fast, furious, and relentless. It drove us on, faster and higher, until we broke like waves on the shore, lost in the ebb and flow of our union. This was what we were made for. All of the day-to-day business of life disappeared and we were stripped down to mere nerve endings, lighting up for one another like fireworks on a warm summer evening.

We trembled in one another's arms in the afterglow, two souls trying to reconcile themselves to the bodies placed between them. I giggled first, followed quickly by Edward.

"We should probably help clear up the dishes," I said, not making a move to leave Edward's embrace.

"Here's my plan," Edward said. "You go upstairs. I'll tell everyone that you were feeling a little tired so I sent you to bed, doctor's orders. I'll clear them out and meet you up there."

"Sir, yes sir!" I said, with a mock salute.

Neither of us moved. I cocked an eyebrow at Edward.

"What?" he asked cheekily.

"Your plan requires you to remove your penis from my vagina."

"Oh, right," he replied, pulling out and redressing himself. He grabbed my arm as I reached out to open the door. "Bella, I will be up in less than fifteen minutes. By all means, feel free to start without me."

I had to kiss him again. We almost didn't make it out of the bathroom.

True to his word, Edward was upstairs and taking his clothes off twelve and a half minutes later. We didn't notice any noises coming from the guest room that night.

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**Anybody else have any weird cravings? The kiwi yogurt was mine.**


	9. Mint Car

**Much thanks and love to my beta MsKathy. Also much love to my Tweet Pimps Cullen312 and teacher1209. I'm their fic hoor.**

**I own nothing.**

**This chapter is dedicated to all the women who have lost their minds to their hormones. The song for this chap is Mint Car by The Cure from their Wild Mood Swings album.**

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I sighed and tried to relax into my pillow. I had to bite my lip to refrain from giggling at the tickling sensation on my budding belly. At 20 weeks pregnant I was halfway to the finish line and my abdomen was getting quite round.

"Bella, I'm never going to get this finished in time if you don't stop squirming!" Alice reprimanded.

"I am staying perfectly still," I insisted. "Your niece or nephew is jumping around every time you touch me."

I'd felt the first flutter of baby motion about four weeks ago. Now that the baby was getting larger, Edward had been able to feel the baby move for the first time the week before. It seemed every time someone touched my belly, the baby would flail around. I think it was just his or her way of saying hello. This baby was going to be hyper and outgoing like his or her Auntie Alice. Edward and I were certainly going to have our hands full in about 20 weeks.

"Sure, blame the baby," Alice rolled her eyes, putting her eyeliner down to coo to my belly. "Mommy's just cranky sweetheart, she doesn't really mean it."

I rolled my eyes back at Alice before lying back down. It was Friday, October 30. There was a charity benefit at the Lodge to raise funds for new equipment at Forks General. Alice and Jasper were in town to celebrate with the rest of us. The benefit was a costumed affair in deference to Halloween being the very next day.

Alice had shown up on my doorstep with a bag of horrors earlier that afternoon. She thrust a bag at Edward and told him to meet Jasper at their parents' house to get ready. She dragged me up to the bedroom and produced a pair of black yoga pants and a green sweater with a cut-out section that would allow my belly to hang out. She was painting a pumpkin face over the orange makeup she'd applied to my abdomen. That's right, I was going to the party dressed up as a pumpkin.

I knew Alice was just teasing, but she'd hit pretty close to a sensitive spot for me. My thoughts drifted off to why I'd been feeling so out of sorts today. October had been a pretty great month for sex. My second trimester had brought about increased energy and libido. Edward and I had quite literally spent the month christening every stable surface of our home and even a few in his parents' home. The quickie in the wine cellar had been a lot of fun. As far as I could tell, Edward was loving our sex-a-thon. Until last Friday.

Last Friday night, I snuck up behind Edward while he was washing the dishes and began to tease his cock. He only managed a half salute before claiming he was tired. I accepted his explanation and went about the rest of my evening content to snuggle with my hubby. Okay, so maybe I did diddle my skittle in the bathtub before bed. Three times. But snuggling with Edward was nice.

I'd decided to wait for Edward to make the first move. He didn't. My usually insatiable husband hadn't touched me, other than a few chaste kisses, for an entire week. At first I chalked it up to tiredness, but then one morning I'd caught a glimpse of my pregnant belly in the mirror. I felt huge and ugly. I couldn't help but wonder if maybe my blooming shape was turning Edward off.

Alice looked up from shading in my pumpkin face when she heard me sniffle. It didn't take much to reduce me to tears those days, but I had to admit it wasn't just hormones that time.

"Oh honey, I was just kidding about the cranky comment," Alice said comfortingly.

"I know. It's not that," I sobbed.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked.

"Edward thinks I'm hideous!" I wailed. Alice handed me a tissue and held my hand while I cried myself out.

"Bella, honey, why do you think Edward doesn't find you attractive anymore?" she asked.

"Because last week when I tried to initiate, Edward couldn't get himself to, 'all systems go,' if you know what I mean," I sniffled. "So I figured he was just tired and I'd let him initiate next time. But it's been a whole week, and he still hasn't touched me!"

"Have you tried talking to him about it?" Alice questioned. Stupid, logical midget.

"Not exactly," I said hesitantly.

"Then how do you know he isn't honestly just tired?" Alice asked.

"Stop with your insane clown logic!" I cried, gesturing to the multicolored wig she was going to be donning that evening.

"Nope, no more wallowing in self-pity until you've talked to Edward about this," Alice commanded. "Plus, you need to never talk to me about my brother's junk ever again. I love you, but I really don't want to think about that shit."

Alice and I finished our preparations and were enjoying a snack when Edward and Jasper arrived from Carlisle and Esme's to pick us up. Jasper looked quite disturbing in his full length ballgown and gloves. I wasn't even going to ask why he was willing to go out in public prettied up like that. I was just going to assume he'd lost a bet with Alice.

Edward walked in the door behind Jasper and I nearly peed myself laughing when I saw his costume. He was wearing a shiny white jumpsuit embellished with rhinestones. His hair was pouffed up into a ridiculous bouffant hairdo and he was wearing sunglasses.

"You look fantastic," I said, still giggling.

"Thank you, thank you very much," Edward mumbled, in a perfect imitation of Elvis. He shook his hips and we all laughed again.

The party was fun. The food was great, and the music was fantastic. Edward was in high demand as the town's new hot doctor. I enjoyed the opportunity to get to know some people I'd never really had a chance to get to know before.

The night was going well until Lauren showed up. She was dressed in what was probably supposed to be a wench costume. The tiny skirt and corset she was falling out of made her look more like a pirate hooker. Her perfume was sickly sweet and way too strong. It trailed behind her like a cloud of ether, the same way it did back in high school. I told myself to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she still looked like the same old bitch who'd tried to make my life miserable in high school. It didn't help her case that Lauren had come to a family charity event dressed as a smelly pirate hooker.

Lauren cornered Edward at the punch bowl when he went to get me a drink. I tried to be fine with the way Edward seemed to be attempting to get away. I couldn't reconcile myself to standing on the sidelines when I saw Lauren actually put her hand on my husband's arm. Who knew what mutant form of crabs she had? They could be bionic crabs, capable of jumping onto anyone standing within a two foot radius. I made my way over to my husband.

"So of course, you can let me know if you need anything," I heard Lauren saying as I approached. She offered Edward a business card. I snatched the card from her hand and dropped it into her drink.

"Thanks, but no thanks. I can take care of my husband," I said, dragging Edward out of the restaurant.

"Bella, what the hell?!" Edward exclaimed, as he allowed me to propel him towards the car.

"Don't you 'what the hell' me, mister!" I yelled back, turning on my husband. "I get that you find me repulsive, but that doesn't mean you get to flirt with every woman who crosses your path." I burst into tears, fully aware that I was on an irrational, hormone-fuelled rampage. I was powerless to calm myself or stop the stupid words from launching themselves from my mouth.

"Flirt? Bella!" Edward ran his hands through his hair, opening and closing his mouth several times before letting out the kind of frustrated exhalation you rarely hear from anyone other than teenage girls and drag queens. He was clearly unable to figure out how to cope with his suddenly insane wife. I could practically hear the thoughts racing through his brain: "Nope, antipsychotics might hurt the baby," followed by, "Do they make straight jackets in maternity sizes?"

"Yes, Edward, flirting. You and Lauren were looking mighty cozy in there. So cozy you forgot to get your pregnant wife a drink!" I was now locked inside my head, helpless to rein in the estrogen beast that had taken over my body.

"Lauren is a pharmaceutical rep. She was offering some free samples of a new heart drug for some of my patients," Edward seethed back at me quietly.

"Hmpf, free skank samples," I mumbled. Even to myself that made no sense.

"Just get in the car," Edward ordered, opening my door for me.

Edward and I were painfully silent on the brief drive home. Edward drove carefully, despite his fury.

We sat in increasingly uncomfortable silence in the car, making no move to leave, even when we'd passed the fifteen minute mark in our driveway. I gathered my courage and unfastened my seatbelt. The sudden noise of the buckle hitting the window made both Edward and me jump. I opened my door and looked back at Edward. He was staring straight ahead, his knuckles white from the deathgrip they had on the steering wheel.

"Edward?" I asked quietly. The hormone demon had caused her havoc and left me high and dry to fix the damage. I felt small and vulnerable, asking more questions in that single word than Jeopardy contestants asked in an entire year.

"I have some charting to do at the office," Edward said in a controlled tone that sent shivers down my spine. I simply nodded and closed my car door.

Edward sped out of the driveway, leaving me all alone. I was powerless to stop the tears that blurred my vision as I made my way to the front door.

"Fuck, shit, piss, damn, hell, crap, shoot, darn, fuck, FUCK!" I screamed as I reached for my keys in my purse. The purse I had left in the car with Edward.

I sat on the porch swing and had myself a pity party. My pity party had emo princesses dressed up in lacy, black goth gear wearing badly smeared eyeliner. It was like the tea party of the fashionably damned. Robert Smith was my mad hatter.

I had faith that I would be able to fix things with Edward. He loved me and I loved him. I just needed to stop being so self-centered and figure out how to apologize to him for being polite to an old acquaintance.

I was getting cold sitting on the porch, so I made my way down the road to the welcoming lights of Carlisle and Esme's house. Esme had a cold, so she hadn't attended the party with Carlisle.

"Bella?" was all Esme had to say to have me sobbing again. I wanted to slap myself for crying so easily that night.

I told Esme the whole embarrassing story through hiccoughs and tears. She helped me to the bathroom to clean up my messy face and led me to Edward's old bedroom to lie down. I was exhausted from the emotional toll my outburst was taking on my body and fell into an uneasy slumber. I was dreaming of being chased through the hospital by large bionic crabs when I was awoken by Edward.

"Bella, thank God you're okay!" he exclaimed, pulling me into his arms and covering my hair with kisses.

"I'm sorry," I sniffled. My nose was still stuffy and my head was a little sore from my earlier crying jags.

"No, I'm sorry," Edward insisted. "I shouldn't have just left you like that, but I was just so frustrated. I know it was just the hormones talking, but it really hurt me to hear that you say I was flirting with Lauren. Baby, I haven't looked at anyone like that since the day I met you. You're it for me, and I know I'm it for you.

"I came home to apologize, but you weren't there. I thought you'd left me for being such an ass when you needed me to be calm and understanding. If I hadn't gotten a call from my mom to let me know where you were, I don't know what I would have done. But it probably would have involved the FBI, a bad TV psychic, and some search dogs."

I giggled a little at Edward's confession and kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm sorry, too. I know you would never cheat on me, but I've been feeling a little insecure lately," I confessed.

Edward tightened his grip on me and rocked us back and forth.

"Why?" Edward asked.

"Because you didn't try to have sex with me at all this week," I said quietly, embarrassed by my childishness.

"Bella, look at me," Edward commanded. "I want you. Every day, all the damn time. You don't even have to do or say anything to make me want you. You walk into the room and I want you. You breathe and I want you. When you're baking a pie, or talking on the phone, or sleeping; I always want you. Hell, last week when you sneezed and farted at the same time, I still wanted you."

"But you said no last week," I pointed out.

"Bella, I said no because I was exhausted. I love, love, love the effect your hormones have been having on your libido, but we've been having so much sex lately my Dad asked why I was walking funny. I have a sex limp! We'd already had sex twice last Friday before I said no. That nooner at the office? I had to ice my bits and pieces afterwards."

"Oh," was all I could manage in reply. Had we really been having that much sex? Looking back, I mentally tallied how many times we'd had sex over the last month. The figure was astounding. I think even professional sex workers had less sex than I did for that month. "I guess I've been overworking you lately."

"Bella, I just needed a bit of a break. But then you didn't try to initiate anymore, so I figured you needed a break too."

I burst into tears again, relieved to hear that my husband still wanted me.

"I thought you were repulsed by my gigantic belly," I admitted sheepishly.

"Never. I love watching your body grow with my baby. I know it's probably very caveman of me to admit, but it's kind of a turn on for me to know that I did this," Edward said, rubbing my still pumpkin painted belly. The baby nudged a sleepy hello to daddy.

"I love you Bella," he said kissing my mouth. He bent and placed a kiss on my abdomen. "I love you too Pumpkin."

"Pumpkin?" I asked.

"Well, since we've decided not to find out the gender of our unborn baby, we need to come up with a nickname. I think Pumpkin is perfect," Edward replied. I giggled and agreed before yawning and stretching.

"Can we go home now?" I asked.

Edward and I thanked Esme for her help and headed home together in comfortable silence that time. Edward insisted on helping me wash the paint off my stomach and the quick shower we were going to have before bed quickly turned into playful teasing. Each touch soothed the wounds we'd opened.

Edward sat me on the bench in the shower and paid homage to my body with his lips, tongue and fingertips. He brought me to the edge of climax again and again, always backing down before letting me fall over. I was a quivering mass of sensation, every single cell of my body was screaming for release.

"Please!" I begged. Edward just smirked at me from his position between my legs and went back to teasing me lightly with his tongue. I pushed my fingers through his wet hair and thrust my hips forward as an invitation. He finally took pity on me and slid two fingers into me, pulling out an orgasm that left me spent and blissfully exhausted.

Edward made to turn off the shower, but I stopped him, suddenly inspired. I was far too tired for sex that night, but I couldn't leave Edward without his release after the wonderful orgasm he'd just given me.

"You wait here," I ordered Edward. I winked and his erection saluted. I quickly grabbed the flavored lube we'd purchased during our sexlympics and rejoined Edward in the shower.

"There's something I've always wanted to try with you, but the conditions have never quite been right," I said, squeezing my boobs together playfully. I sat down on the edge of the shower bench and beckoned Edward to come closer.

I teasingly dribbled the lube between my breasts before grabbing Edward by the cock. When I arched my back just right, Edward's cock nestled perfectly between my breasts. I teasingly pumped him a few times before stopping to lick and suck at his tip.

"Fuck," Edward groaned watching his cock slide in and out between my tits. I pulled back and licked him from base to tip, swirling my tongue rapidly around the crown of his penis while I grabbed his hands. I placed his hands on my breasts and leaned back a little.

Edward teased my nipples with his fingers as he situated his cock back between my breasts. I moaned as he continued to tease my sensitive peaks while he thrust himself in and out. I continued to lick him when I could.

"Mmm, Edward, do you like this?" I asked playfully.

"Fuck, yes," he replied breathlessly.

"I like it too," I teased. "I like it so much, I think I'm going to have to touch myself."

I slid one hand down to my clit and drew a couple of lazy circles around it. My breath hitched in my throat as I locked eyes with Edward. His eyes were reflecting back the lust I knew he could see in mine. Our unsteady breathing created a syncopated symphony for the fire burning between us. Edward squeezed my breasts firmly and called out my name, his eyes never leaving mine as I felt his release, hot and sticky on my chest. Watching him come undone set off my orgasm, a cresting wave of pleasure nearly blinding me with its intensity.

Edward tried to speak several times, but managed nothing but a series of random syllables. I pulled him back under the spray of water and we washed each other off.

"Thanks so much for the pearl necklace, sweetheart," I joked, washing his spunk from the base of my neck. Edward's laugh echoed off the tiles.

"Bella, that was amazing," he said when he calmed down enough to speak. "Thank you."

"It was my pleasure," I said. "I figured we should probably try that now that my tatas are big enough to accommodate your mammoth penis."

Edward tucked me into bed, kissing me and the baby goodnight. He pulled me into his arms and I cuddled close. Snuggling with Edward was way better after orgasms.


	10. Love Game

**Okay, long-ass note at the bottom. Please read.**

**As usual, I own nothing. This chapter's title is by Lady Gaga.**

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**"Bella, I can't sleep," Edward whined quietly with a gentle poke. I was going to kill him.

'Twas the Thursday before Black Friday. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, Edward and I had gathered for the weekend at Alice and Jasper's place in the Seattle suburbs. A glance at the clock revealed that it was actually very, very, very early in the morning on Black Friday. Black Friday was currently staggering on its ten-minute-old legs, wobbling through the dark towards the malls.

I'd been secretly relieved when Edward put his foot down about me attending any sales that day. He was concerned about my safety with all the crazies that would be out shopping. Unfortunately for Edward, that meant that he had to brave the crowds for the baby gear I'd circled in various flyers. He was not looking forward to the adventure.

General Alice would be mustering the troops at four am sharp to leave for the mall. The week before, Alice had requested that everyone email her a list of sales they wanted to hit up. The night before, she'd laid out her plan for the day's mission, complete with a maps and a miniature scale model of the mall. She had planned out a full-on assault on the mall. Everyone had been given a small satchel containing a watch, an energy bar, a bottle of water, an envelope for receipts and a detailed timeline of their individual missions. Every sale would be attended by at least one member of the raiding party.

Emmett and I would be staying behind to put the turkey in the oven and to begin preparations for the rest of our Thanksgiving dinner. Alice and Jasper were flying out to Texas the next day to celebrate the slaughtering of both tasty turkeys and innocent sweet potatoes. Hence our early gathering for food and thanks giving. Carlisle had originally volunteered to stay behind with me, but Emmett had sprained his ankle and Alice insisted that she needed someone with two good legs to carry out her plan.

It was just after midnight and Edward was waking me up from a pretty awesome dream. I had to get up in five hours to get the damn turkey in the oven and Edward was whining and rubbing his erection against my ass.

"C'mon Bella, I know you're awake," Edward teased, nibbling on my earlobe. I shivered in response.

"You have two hands, that's one more than you actually need," I grumbled, trying to ignore Edward's roaming hands.

"Mmm, I could give myself a hand. But would you be able to sleep with me lying next to you, touching myself? I know it gets you all hot and bothered to watch me work my hands up and down my hard shaft," Edward moaned in my ear. The way his fingers were gently plucking at my nipples was tickling my lady parts as well.

"Fine," I huffed, rolling over onto my back. "Just pull my nightie down and roll me over when you're done."

"M'kay," Edward said, lifting my nightgown up and over my hips and pulling my panties down. He kissed his way up my inner thigh and winked up at me from between my legs before placing a sloppy kiss right over my clit. I tried to remain impassive, but it was impossible to do with Edward feasting on me like I was his last meal before execution. The yummy noises he was making as he made me his midnight snack weren't helping me stay in control either.

"Fuck," I gasped as Edward slowly slid two fingers into me. I grabbed his hair and moaned when I felt him flutter his fingertips against my g-spot. I recognized the rhythm as morse code for, 'I love you.' Over and over again he professed his love with his deft fingers and his clever tongue. The orgasm he gave me came so suddenly and with such strength it stole my breath. All of my limbs shook, as though my body wasn't strong enough to contain all of the electricity pulsing through my central nervous system.

Edward kissed his way up my body, laughing with me as I giggled at the ticklish sensation. He paused to kiss my engagement ring, no doubt remembering the Thanksgiving weekend he'd hidden it in my slice of pumpkin pie and waited nervously to propose. We were enjoying leftovers and Edward had been so twitchy and nervous during the meal I thought he was coming down with food poisoning.

"I am so grateful every day that you said yes to me Bella," Edward said before kissing me passionately on the mouth. I could taste the residue of my arousal on his tongue and it only served to inflame me further. Edward rolled me onto my side facing away from him.

"I was just joking about rolling me over when you were done," I teased.

"Bella, I am far from being done with you," Edward promised, sending a shiver down my spine. He swept my hair off of my neck and placed a gentle kiss there before pulling my knee up. He lovingly placed a pillow under my knee to keep me balanced and slowly entered me.

"You are so beautiful," Edward said, keeping his thrusts agonizingly slow and deep. He slowly unbuttoned the top of my nightgown to reveal the full curve of my breasts. He teased each peak in turn, making me feel like it was entirely possible to go weak at the knees when I wasn't even standing up. He slowed his thrusting even more.

"I love these breasts. They are the only ones I will ever want," Edward vowed. He moved his hand to hold his palm over my heart. "But my favorite part of your chest is your heart. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I am so lucky that you've given it to me. I promise to always do my best to earn the love you give me."

"Edward," I gasped, nearly cross-eyed with the intensity of the orgasm I could feel bubbling its way to the surface at an agonizingly slow pace. "I love you so much. You are the kindest, most supportive and romantic man to ever walk the face of this earth. I'm the lucky one."

"I love the way you kiss the back of my shoulder every morning when I'm shaving," Edward said roughly. Despite the slow pace of our lovemaking, I could tell we were both close.

"I love the way you kiss me goodnight every night, even if you think I'm already asleep," I replied.

"I love that you are carrying my child," Edward moaned out, gripping my hip tightly.

"I love that sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and hear you telling me all you remember about the day we met. I love that when you can't sleep, you think about me to find calm and peace," I gasped.

"It's always you, Bella. Always," Edward whispered breathily in my ear.

The combination of his cock deeply stroking me and his declaration of always sent me spiralling. I grabbed Edward's hand and held on as I coiled around his erection. Edward followed me a couple of thrusts later, gently biting my shoulder as he shuddered his release into my grasping body. We fell asleep cocooned in one another's arms, Edward's body still inside mine.

"Wake up, wake up, wake up!" Alice called from the other side of the door. Despite what the clock said, I felt as though I'd just fallen asleep. I groaned and gave the door the finger.

"I'm up!" Edward called out. He most certainly was up, still encased inside my body. I smirked and clenched him with all my might.

"Bella, what are you doing?" Edward hissed, grabbing my hips.

"My kegels," I replied saucily. "Dr. Small said I should do several sets a day to get my body in shape for giving birth."

"For the love of all that is sacred, please do not mention another man's name while I am inside you," Edward rasped into my ear. I giggled and began to finger my clit lightly. If I was going to send my man out to battle, I was going to give him one memorable goodbye.

Edward began a series of quick thrusts that had me seeing stars almost instantly. I was on the verge of orgasm when a furious pounding sounded on the door. I was going to kill Alice.

"I don't hear the sounds of anyone getting ready to shop!" Alice yelled.

"Alice, you do not want to hear the sounds of anything from this room right now!" I hollered back. I was too far gone to allow my meddling sister-in-law to cockblock me now.

"Ew! I need to go poke out my mind's eye!" Alice screeched.

I giggled again as I heard her footsteps run away from our door. That did some interesting things to the way Edward and I were joined together and neither one of us gave Alice another moment's consideration until we were both sated. The afterglow was short-lived.

"Bella," Edward groaned. "You just implied to my sister that we were having sex. In her house."

"But we were having sex," I trailed off at the reproachful look Edward was giving me.

"Hormones?" I offered as an explanation for my behavior. I gave Edward the best innocent expression I could given that I was sitting naked on our bed, his semen slowly running down my inner thigh. Edward just sighed and headed to the shower. He'd figured out early on in our relationship that being with someone who humiliates themselves on a near daily basis would pull their mate into their orbit of embarrassment.

Edward and I hurried through a quick shower before meeting with the rest of the gang in the living room. Emmett struggled to his feet to give us a standing ovation as we entered the room. Edward and Alice both blushed. I took a bow. Carlisle chuckled and Esme shook her head, offering me a sympathetic smile. The shopping mercenaries headed out to do battle with an angry mob of shoppers possessed by evil Holiday Spirit. I called that evil spirit, 'Christmanatrixa.' I really, really loathed Christmas shopping. Emmett and I were left alone to prepare the feast.

"So, how you doin'?" Emmett asked as we stared one another down.

"You. Kitchen. Now!" I ordered. Now that my sex-induced high was wearing off, I was tired. I just wanted to get the turkey in the oven so I could have a small nap before starting in on the vegetables.

Emmett eyed the large turkey sitting in the roasting pan on the kitchen island. He was sitting on a high barstool by the sink peeling potatoes. I was mixing together the bread cubes and spices to make my stuffing. I inhaled the homey scent of warm sage and tart apples and sighed in contentment. I loved stuffing.

"Oh baby, harder!" Emmett exclaimed as my hand disappeared into the turkey's cavity with the stuffing.

"Shut up," I giggled.

"You know, I never pictured you as the fisting type," Emmett joked.

"I am a woman of many talents," I said with a small smirk.

I finished stuffing the bird and wrangled its legs together with twine. I carefully loosened the skin from the flesh and slipped a mixture of butter and fresh chopped herbs between the two. Emmett looked on like a kid watching donuts being glazed for the first time at the bakery. I expertly skewered the skin under the stuffing to prevent it from shrinking back during the cooking. I enjoyed my sacrificial flesh both crispy and well seasoned.

Emmett helped me wrestle the bird into the oven and I helped him finish up peeling and chopping the potatoes. We left them in a large pot of water on the stove for cooking later and retired to the living room with pastries and coffee (decaf for me) to relax.

"How do you think the shopping is going?" I asked.

"I'm not worried about my Rosie. She can definitely take care of herself," Emmett replied.

"I just hope Edward manages to get the crib I want," I sighed. Edward was far too polite sometimes and I worried that he would end up giving someone else the crib just to be nice.

I could just make out the sounds of Lady Gaga singing about wanting to ride someone's disco stick coming from upstairs. After the disco ball lube incident of the summer I couldn't resist. I heard the disco stick song every time Edward called or texted my phone. I excused myself to retrieve my cell phone from the guest room. I giggled when I saw the text Edward had sent me:

"I nearly lost my arm but I got the crib. Expect bj in reward."

"Too tired for oral. Someone kept me up last night," was my texted reply.

I was settling back onto the couch with my pastry when my phone rang out again. It was another text from Edward:

"Will accept a raincheck with interest. Anal?"

Emmett noticed my eyes drooping as I polished off the rest of my croissant. He insisted on getting me a blanket and tucking me in on the couch to rest. He even told the baby a bedtime story.

"Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks. Her parents gave her that name because she was born with beautiful golden curls. It was those golden curls that catapulted her to fame as the child star of a hit sitcom. Unfortunately, by the time Goldie was five her hair had darkened to a mousy brown and she was replaced with a younger child who did better with the focus groups. Thus sprung her addiction to bleaching her hair.

"By the time she was seventeen, she'd been arrested three times for shoplifting. Her parents kicked her out so she had no money for food, shelter or hair dye. She'd already done a stint in juvey and didn't want to go back. She figured maybe she should try stealing money to buy her hair products instead of trying to steal the product from the store. She also figured that a private home was less likely to have a video surveillance system.

"She took her time casing a nice, middle-class neighborhood. She picked the house at the end of a cul-de-sac surrounded by large trees as her target. She spent a couple of days watching the comings and goings of the three gorgeous-haired men who seemed to live there together. She knew they would all be gone in the afternoons.

"After the three men left one day, she snuck around to the back of the house and picked the lock with her last two bobby pins and a nail file. It took her several tries, but she finally made it inside. Once she was in, she noticed a wonderful smell hanging in the air. She was awfully hungry. Life on the streets didn't provide Goldie with a lot of opportunity to eat three squares a day.

"She opened the refrigerator in search of leftovers. The first container she opened was far too spicy for her stomach to handle. She pulled out a beer to wash away the heat from her tongue.

"The second container she opened had fuzzy mold growing inside. The smell was so horrendous she nearly vomited in the sink. She quickly put the lid back on the container and tried to suppress her gag reflex with another beer.

"The third time was the charm, and she found the most heavenly rice pilaf she'd ever feasted upon. It was so delicious, she didn't even notice she had eaten it all until it was gone. That may have had something to do with the fact that she downed another beer with her meal. She decided to put the container in the dishwasher in hopes that the men who lived at the house would just assume that one of them ate the meal.

"What she found in the dishwasher astounded her. It was the largest assortment of vibrators, dongs, anal beads and butt plugs she'd ever seen outside of a sex shop before. She picked up one butt plug in awe and put it back deciding it was far too big for her tastes. The next item she picked up was a dildo. 'Far too small,' she thought. The last vibrator she picked up was huge! It was far too scary for her, so she closed the dishwasher and wandered upstairs in search of cash and or hair products.

"As she approached the master bedroom she noticed a family portrait of sorts on the wall. It was a Papa Bear, a shorter, slightly younger Papa Bear and their little Otter in a comfortable group embrace. They looked so loving and comfortable Goldie felt envious. She noticed the little Papa Bear had bleached hair, so she went in search of his room to find his product.

"She happened upon some peroxide and set to work right then and there fixing up her roots. She was getting ready to rinse her hair when she heard the front door open. There was nowhere for her to run or hide. She quickly made her way to the window, easing it open to climb out onto the roof of the porch. She was shimmying down the column on the porch, thanking her lucky stars that the job at the Eager Beaver club had given her experience working poles. Her finger caught on a loose nail and she lost her grip, falling to the ground below.

"When she regained consciousness, she was handcuffed to a hospital bed, bald from overexposure to peroxide. Goldie was sentenced to two years for her first B and E. While she was in prison she met a lovely young woman named Red Riding Hood. The two of them learned the fine art of tattooing from Rapunzel and opened their own shop together when they got out of the big house. And they lived Sapphically ever after."

I nearly rolled off the couch howling with laughter as Emmett concluded his tale.

"You," I gasped between laughs. "You are not allowed to tell my baby any stories unless you read them verbatim from books that I preapprove!"

I was still laughing when the tired shopping troupe dragged their feet through the door and deposited their spoils on the floor. Edward threw himself to the floor at my feet and presented me with a bag full of the onesies I'd asked for.

"Please, for the love of my sanity, please, please don't ever make me do that again!" Edward pleaded.

"But I'll be breastfeeding next year. Would you really send me out to face that crowd with our baby?" I asked him jokingly.

Edward just groaned and slumped over, promptly falling asleep where he was. Stupid hospital residency had given him the ability to pass out just about anywhere.

The rest of the morning was spent prepping for turkey time. Jasper carved the bird when it was ready. I stood at his elbow sneaking small bites of fresh from the oven turkey. Baby was hungry.

Dinner was delicious. We were all relatively quiet as we ate, enjoying the food and the company. Everyone was finishing off their pumpkin pie when Edward stood and distributed handmade cards to each of the couples seated around the table. I'd made the cards myself, tracing Edward's large hands to form the bodies of the turkeys on brown construction paper. In the center of each turkey lay a picture from the sonogram we'd had last week.

Esme started the crying. The hormones did me in and I was the next to start. Alice and Rose followed close behind, managing to start bawling shortly before Carlisle lost the battle to stay manly. It didn't take long for everyone at the table to become choked up. Even Emmett was sniffling and pretending he had something in his eye.

"Did you find out if it's a girl or a boy?" Esme asked.

"No," I said giggling. Edward and I had agonized over whether or not to find out. I wanted to wait, but Edward was worried he would accidentally see. He was horrible about keeping secrets from me. We'd finally decided that if Edward saw, he would be allowed to tell me. "The baby wasn't cooperating. He or she was keeping their legs tucked up so we couldn't see. Although if you look closely you can see the baby is scratching their bum. We may not know if we're having a boy or a girl, but we do know we're having a construction worker."

It didn't take long for the tryptophan to drug us all into submission. The early morning and sleepy hormones were working their magic and we all decided to go to bed early. I couldn't help but smile as I snuggled under the covers to think that by this time next year my baby would be celebrating with us.

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**Okay peeps. I don't know when my next chapter will be up. I had already submitted this one to my beta when I got some really bad news. A very good friend of mine lost her son last week. He was just a toddler. It's really hard for me to be thinking in this crazy universe I've created right now. Sorry for the downer, but I just thought you should know that there may not be a new chapter posted until later next week. We'll see how things go. For now, go hug your loved ones.**


	11. Dick In A Box

**To all of my darling ficlings:**

**Thanks so much for being patient and understanding when RL made it really hard for me to be funny. This is the chapter that a lot of you have been waiting for with baited breath. I hope it lives up to your expectations ;) I promise to respond to all the backlog of reviews tomorrow as today my life kind of fucked me up the ass. I need liquor, a warm bath and then bed. I just didn't want to keep you waiting any longer.**

**This chapter was inspired by the JT/AS skit on SNL. It is EPOV.**

**I own nothing...except a special ring...**

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**I had to drive all the way to Port Angeles to find paint with low fume emissions, but I think it was worth it. It was the first Saturday of December and Charlie, Alice, and Jasper were going to help me paint the nursery. Once that task was complete we were going to assemble the brand new baby furniture. Children certainly did require a lot of accessories.

Alice was perched atop Jasper's shoulders, taping around the edge of the ceiling. Charlie was laying out brushes and rollers and trays. Bella was downstairs in the living room decorating the Christmas tree. I didn't want her anywhere near the paint fumes.

I have a confession to make: I am not the most handy of men. I've never actually painted a room before, and doing this for the first time with Bella's manly man dad had me sweating bullets.

My first job was to remove the cover plates for the light switches and electrical receptacles so they wouldn't get paint covered. I managed the switches fine. I was a little shaky with the screwdriver at first, but I managed to unscrew the two tiny screws without bloodshed. I had to chuckle at myself a little. I could crack open a chest and operate on someone's heart without a twitch, but using a screwdriver had nearly psyched me out. My chest puffed out with masculine pride at the success of my first foray into tool wielding. I was ready to take a crack at a compound mitre saw. I didn't even know what one would do with such a power tool, but I was confident I could make it work.

Pride goeth before the fall.

I sat down on the crinkly drop sheet to unscrew the first receptacle plate. I had been calling them outlet thingies, but Charlie had pulled me aside to impart his masculine wisdom. He gripped my shoulder with his bruising grasp and explained that men never ever referred to anything as a 'thingy.' We were to Google such information, lest we give any womenfolk in the area a reason to doubt our expertise. If Google was unavailable, we should endeavour to make something up that sounded technical enough. Then he roped me into taking a new home owner's basics course at the Home Depot in Port Angeles the next weekend. Charlie was like a combination of Chuck Norris and Bob Villa. I couldn't refuse Walker, Texas Home-Improver. He could kick my ass.

My grip on the screwdriver was far too forceful for the task at hand. The screwdriver slipped in my grasp and jammed itself right into the socket. I felt a burning jolt rush through my hand before hearing a loud pop and seeing a bright flash. I had to quickly look down and visually confirm that I hadn't pissed myself.

"Fuck," I cursed, nearly breathless. My heart gave a gigantic sputter before I felt a void in my chest. I panicked, thinking my heart had stopped. I leapt to my feet and begged Charlie to check my pulse. I realized, as Bella waddled frantically into the room that, logically speaking, if I was jumping up and begging, I would indeed still have a heartbeat.

"I was testing out the Christmas lights when all of a sudden the power went off. What happened?" Bella demanded.

"Edward had a bit of a shocking experience," Charlie wisecracked dryly.

"What?!" Bella exclaimed.

"The screwdriver slipped a little, baby. I'm fine," I rushed to reassure her.

Bella took in the plastic handled screwdriver I was still holding in my twitching hand. Her face nearly turned purple in her rage. Charlie was her first target. She tore him a new one while the rest of us gaped at her overreaction.

"What the hell? Dad, Edward wasn't raised with Handy Manny for a father. I trust you to teach him a few things about home improvement and you start out by letting him electrocute himself? You wouldn't let me near anything electrical without shutting down the breakers first, and now you let Edward at electricity without an insulated screwdriver? Are you trying to make me a widow?"

Then she turned to me and actually slapped me for nearly getting myself killed. She cursed and yelled for a few minutes before running out of steam and sitting down on a step ladder to catch her breath. Charlie excused himself to reset the breaker box and Alice and Jasper quickly volunteered to help.

"Don't you ever fucking scare me like that again. I can't do this without you!" Bella said, gesturing to her swollen abdomen. The tears shining in her eyes squeezed my already stressed heart.

"Bella, you will never be alone," I promised.

"What if you'd died today? What would I have done?" She sniffled.

"You have an entire family that would stand behind you. Plus, you're young and hot. You'd be able to snag yourself a rich, young doctor in no time," I joked, trying to cheer her up. It worked a little and she gave me a small smile.

Alice poked her head around the door timidly. Upon not seeing Bella standing over my lifeless body holding a hammer, Alice entered the room, quietly followed by Charlie and Jasper.

"Bella," Alice started. "Before we start painting, I just want to make sure that this is the color you truly want to paint the nursery. Are you sure you wouldn't prefer a nice green or yellow?"

Bella and I had chosen a restful, steely blue for the nursery walls. It was too dark to be considered pastel, but it wasn't overwhelmingly dark either. It was going to look great with the crib and furniture we'd picked out. We still didn't know if our Pumpkin was going to be a boy or a girl, but we both really liked the color.

"Yes, Alice. I love this color. Edward does too," Bella stood firm.

"But what if it's a girl?" Alice whined. Nearly thirty, Alice was still prone to whining like a tired toddler. I could see she was going to try the Cullen Pout. The Cullen Pout had gotten her out of many scrapes and misunderstandings over the years. It was the Cullen Pout that had gotten her only two weeks of grounding when Carlisle had to bail her out of jail when she was arrested for being under the influence at a party when she was only fifteen. I was sober at the same party and I'd been grounded for two months. My pout only worked on Esme.

"I'm a girl and I like blue," Bella reasoned, standing her ground. I was so proud of my girl.

Bella left us to go finish with the tree so we could start painting. I chuckled as Alice grumbled something about the baby giving Bella a Jedi shield against her puppy-dog eyes.

"I believe it's the maternal instinct kicking in," I reasoned with my cranky twin. "If she's ever going to be able to say 'no' to our child, she needs to learn to resist pouting."

"Bella never did have an issue with the word no unless it was being applied to her," Charlie chuckled. "She went through a phase when she was three where she said 'no' to everything. I asked her if she wanted a pony. She said 'no.' I asked her if she wanted to be allowed to date before she hit menopause. She said 'no.' Consider yourself lucky I didn't hold her to that last one, Edward."

I was entranced at the idea of a tiny Bella running around, stubborn and adorable. I suddenly couldn't wait to meet our baby. I wanted to rock him or her to sleep and watch silly cartoons. I couldn't wait for tiny drool-covered kisses and squishy hugs.

The four of us managed to get all the painting done before digging in to a late lunch provided by Bella. It didn't take long at all with Alice reading us the instructions to assemble the furniture, which we lumped together in the middle of the room until the paint dried. After a dinner of pizza and wings, our helpers departed.

Bella headed up to our bathroom to take a relaxing bath. Her back had been bothering her a little lately, so the soak would do her some good. I cleaned up after our dinner before heading for the guest room to shower. As I passed the living room, the Christmas tree caught my eye. Bella had done an amazing job putting together a tree with silver snowflakes and blue glass balls. I chuckled and shook my head, a plan forming. That night, I was going to show my woman she was my shining star.

Step one was to shower. The warm water felt incredible on my slightly aching muscles. I was hard just thinking about the evening ahead. I couldn't resist a few strokes and a couple of palm rubs across the tip, but I wanted to save my orgasm for later with Bella.

I quickly towelled myself off before beginning to set up for the evening. I wrapped the towel around my waist and shut the curtains in the living room. Our first Christmas living together I would often come home and find Bella asleep on the floor underneath the Christmas tree. She'd confessed to me how much she loved to relax under the tree looking up at the lights. I was definitely going to get her relaxed under the tree tonight. I pulled the towel off and put it back in the bathroom. I continued my preparations au natural, holding my junk as I bounded up the stairs. Too much bobbing was a little uncomfortable.

I left Bella's robe on the bed with a note asking her to meet me in the living room. I gathered my supplies and set up the living room. I lit a fire in the fireplace and plugged in the Christmas tree. I turned off the lights and turned on some classical music. I made a bed of sorts on the floor next to the Christmas tree with some throw cushions and several blankets.

I had just finished stowing my special surprise under the tree when I heard Bella start down the stairs, calling my name. I settled myself on the blankets, still totally nude and very hard. Bella and I both gasped as she entered the room. She was so fucking beautiful wearing nothing but her robe. I loved every last thing about her.

I rose and pulled her hair gently out of its messy bun. I inhaled the scent of her deeply as I ran my fingers through the soft strands. I loved that when she was on top of me, kissing me, her hair created a curtain around us, blocking out the rest of the world until nothing existed but the minute spaces between us. I kissed her then, leisurely, taking the time to enjoy the sensation. My tongue reached out to sample the taste of her lips and she opened her mouth to me. Our kiss deepened and I moaned at the pleasure, the joy of simply touching my wife.

I walked around behind Bella and pulled her hair over her shoulder. I placed a kiss on the skin peeking out from her robe before pulling her rounded hips towards me. I couldn't help grinding my erection into her soft ass, revelling in the sensation of her pliant flesh moulding to my hardness. I kissed my way over to the mole just behind her ear that she usually hid with her hair. Bella tilted her head to give me better access and lifted her hand to caress my hair. Her fingers massaged my scalp and I moaned again at the tactile pleasure.

My hands stole to the front of her robe to untie her wrappings. I reached up and pulled the silky material from her shoulders before turning her around to face me. My heart sputtered forcefully in my chest for the second time that day upon seeing the beauty in front of me. Bella's breasts were swollen by her hormones, her nipples engorged and hard for me. I had to taste her there, to adore her flesh with my tongue and teeth. I worried, flicked, sucked, and teased her sensitive peaks until she called my name in frustration.

I stepped back to take a look at her in the firelight. Her eyes were bright with arousal, her lips swollen from my kisses. Her breasts were heaving in rhythm with her breath. Her rounded belly and full hips made her look like a goddess. She was my goddess of passion, of love, of beauty. Some men may be turned off at the sight of a pregnant woman, but I wasn't. I loved seeing the evidence of our love and passion for one another growing larger each day. I lay her down on the blanket by the fire and placed kisses from her collarbone to her toes.

Bella called my name again as I was kissing my way up her inner thigh. I paused to inhale the aroma of her arousal and nearly groaned with the pleasure. I purposely teased her by rubbing my stubble against the sensitive flesh of her thigh until she grabbed my hair roughly and practically shoved my face into her pussy. I greedily attacked her clit with my tongue before thrusting it into her passage. I couldn't repress the moan that bubbled up when I felt her begin to contract around my tongue, and the vibration of it set off her orgasm. I hungrily lapped up the nectar that flowed over my tongue. Pregnancy had altered her taste slightly. Before, she was a tart, young white wine; she was now a ripe merlot. I couldn't get enough of her flavor.

"Mmm, thank you," Bella purred, pulling me up for a kiss. She was not shy about licking her residue from my lips and I was glad that I'd brought my surprise downstairs for tonight. I wasn't going to last long, otherwise. I leaned over Bella to grab the box and bottle from under the edge of the blanket. I was slightly nervous about Bella's reaction, but the way her eyes lit up when she saw what I was holding eased my apprehension.

"I was wondering if you might be interested in playing a little bit?" I asked tentatively. Bella nodded very enthusiastically.

"What do you need me to do?" she asked huskily. Her voice sent a shiver down my spine. Bella was very interested in what I had to offer.

"I need to you rub this lube all over my cock," I breathed into her ear.

Bella pushed me down onto my back and went to work with her hands. She teased, rubbed, and even licked my shaft a few times. Once she was sure that I was well oiled, she rubbed the rest of the lube into her breasts, massaging and kneading them. She threw her hair over her shoulder and I was content to watch her please herself.

"Are you going to put it on?" she asked, still pinching and tweaking her nipples.

"Why, do you want to watch?" I asked teasingly.

"Mmhmm," she moaned in assent.

I pulled the cockring out of its package and stretched it out a little. I hooked a thumb through either side and slowly eased it over my shaft. I gently pulled my thumbs out once it was settled at the base of my erection, and twisted it a little so that the vibrating part would be in place for Bella to tease her clit. I set the egg timer under the tree for twenty minutes. The doctor in me refused to let me injure my bits by leaving the ring on too long. I quirked an eyebrow at Bella and turned the vibration on.

"Holy shit!" I gasped as the vibrations pulsed through my cock. I immediately felt myself harden even more. I cannot even express how incredible it felt. Precum was leaking rapidly out of my tip, my cock was literally crying out to be inside my woman. Bella quickly obliged, eased herself onto my shaft and echoed my previous statement.

"This is way better than the time we rode the washing machine together," Bella gasped, grinding her clit into the ring. I chuckled, but had to agree. The washing machine had been freezing on my ass.

Bella rotated her hips over mine, thrusting her breasts out on each rotation. I couldn't resist the temptation and I took her breasts in my hands. Bella's slow gyrations gradually eased to small, quick circles. She was the most incredible woman I'd ever seen. The firelight reflecting in her eyes as she held my gaze highlighted the passion she was experiencing. She raked her fingernails down my chest as she came, tightening around me with a loud curse. The pain and the pleasure of it had me enthralled.

Bella quickly pulled herself off of me, the vibrations too much for her sensitive flesh. I added some more lube around the cockring and rotated it slowly until the vibrating pouch was resting on my scrotum. I nearly came right then.

I positioned Bella on her hands and knees in front of me, her knees spread wide to accommodate me. I couldn't help but take a quick lick of the juices I saw glistening on her pussy. Her arousal was my addiction.

"Are you ready for more?" I asked. I leaned over Bella's back and teased her entrance with my tip.

"Fuck, yes," she moaned.

I slid into her agonizingly slowly. I felt every ridge, every bump of her tight passage as I eased my way inside her. My hands gripped her hips for leverage as I began a lazy pace of deep thrusts. Bella angled her hips so that I was hitting her g-spot with the sensitive underside of my shaft with each stroke. It didn't take long for me to pick up the speed of my thrusting.

Bella turned and winked at me as our passion ran on with the speed of a freight train. I gripped her harder and thrust deeper, groaning at how good it felt to be inside her.

Bella shrieked my name as her orgasm hit, suddenly and fiercely. The violent contractions of her pussy sent me over the edge with a roar. I literally lost my sight to the stars that filled my vision as I felt my seed erupting from my cock. I was still pulsing erratically into Bella when I felt a drop of something hot and wet on my thigh. I quickly shut off the vibrations that were becoming too much for us.

Bella was whimpering and shivering in the aftermath of her release. I slowly withdrew, despite her protests, and laid her on her side. I tried to stroke her back to calm her, but even that seemed to be too much stimulation for her. The egg timer went off and I quickly pulled the cockring off my slowly softening penis.

"Bella, are you okay?" I asked.

"Just give me a minute," she said. Her breaths were coming rapidly and the doctor in me kicked in. I checked her pulse and it was racing.

"Bella, do we need to go to the hospital?" I asked.

"No, I'm okay," Bella assured me. "That was just incredibly intense."

I held Bella as she calmed, covering us both with a blanket. I shifted a little to get us out of the wet spot on the blanket. My hip encountered a second wet spot. It took a moment for my orgasm-addled brain to put two and two together. Two plus two equalled my cock trying to revive itself for a second round.

"Bella? Do you know why there are two wet spots?" I asked wanting to confirm my theory.

"Maybe," she hesitated, biting her lip.

"Love, did you squirt?" I asked, hoping she would say yes.

"Maybe," she said with a small smile.

I couldn't resist. I jumped up and did the kind of victory dance that you only see in the end zone at the Superbowl when someone has made the game-winning touchdown. Bella giggled and yawned.

"Are you finished?" she asked me with a smile.

"Maybe," I teased, lying down next to her on our nest of pillows and blankets. I meant to only snuggle with Bella until she fell asleep. I was going to carry her upstairs to our room and tuck her in. I was going to clean up downstairs before joining her in bed. I fell asleep first.

Bella woke me up the next morning with naked breakfast. Her hair was still wet from the shower she'd snuck in while I was still sleeping. I loved that she hadn't bothered to put any clothes back on. The fruit and French toast was delicious.

"Mmm, we definitely need to steam clean the carpet in here before Christmas," I joked as I gathered up the blankets, taking note of the slight stains that had leaked through to the rug below. I grimaced a little at the thought of having our families gathered around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning, sitting in the remains of our wet spot.

Bella just giggled and bent over to pick up our breakfast dishes, giving me a delicious view of her ass. I contemplated a light slap to one of her cheeks before I noticed a slight discoloration on each side of her bum. They were my thumb prints. I grabbed Bella by the hips and twirled her around to find the matching bruises from the rest of my fingers on the front of her. I groaned, disappointed in myself for hurting my pregnant wife. I kissed the light bruises and apologized. I felt like a complete asshat.

"Don't you fucking dare apologize!" Bella exclaimed, pulling me up from my knees by my hair.

"But I left bruises," I protested, too ashamed to look her in the eyes.

"Tit for tat love," she said, forcefully tracing her fingertips down the scratches she'd made the night before down my chest as she came.

"But I'm not pregnant," I said. Bella just shook her head and pushed me down on the couch.

"See this scar here?" she asked, pointing to the scar on her kneecap. "I did that shaving. The matching scar on the other knee is from me hitting my knee climbing into a canoe. This scar on my arm? That's from my lab partner in grade nine science jabbing me with his pen. I kicked him in the balls for that. This scar on my thumb is from the time I put my hand through the window on our storm door when I was eight. The scars on these two fingers are from the time my knife slipped when I was cutting lemons for my lemonade stand. That really fucking stung. Do you know what all of these scars have in common?"

I couldn't for the life of me figure out what she was getting at.

"What all my scars have in common is this: none were left by you. You may bruise me once in a while, but you never leave a permanent mark. In fact, you've prevented me from getting a few scars over the years. I always feel safe and loved with you. So don't you fucking apologize for a few bruises left in the heat of the moment. If I didn't notice you leaving them, they obviously didn't hurt. Therefore, you didn't actually hurt me," Bella pointed out logically.

I fucking loved this woman. She took all of me, the good and the bad. She didn't allow me to wallow in my overdramatic emo moments. She made me see myself from her perspective and I loved her all the more for it.

"Well, when you put it like that, I'm sorry for apologizing. Just promise me that you'll stop me if I ever do something that hurts you," I asked.

"I promise. Promise me you'll stop apologizing for not hurting me," she said with mock-sternness.

"Promise," I said, pulling her into my lap for a kiss.

One thing led to another and we ended up having to steam clean the couch as well.


	12. Good Ship Venus

**Soo...I'm an ass monkey for leaving you guys hanging. I am currently hanging my head in shame hoping you'll all forgive me. To make up for it, the next chapter is half written. Why only half you ask? See the author note at the bottom for more deets.**

**As always, I own nothing. MsKathy is the shit.**

**Good Ship Venus by Loudon Wainwright from the album Rogue's Gallery was on repeat here. The words are very, very NC-17, so be forewarned in case you go looking them up. It's a traditional pirate song.**

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I pulled one of Edward's soft, white cotton shirts over my head with an evil grin. The material whispered pleasantly over my unbound breasts, bringing my sensitive nipples to hardened peaks. My fingers twitched, fighting the urge to tweak my own flesh. I fought down the urge to molest myself and continued dressing for the day. I pulled a pair of Edward's red and white striped boxers over my nakedness, still slightly damp and warm from my shower. My ever-expanding belly did a wonderful job of pulling the boxers up to reveal plenty of leg.

Edward's jaw dropped moments before his spoon dropped into his cereal as I entered the kitchen.

"You are an evil, evil woman," Edward muttered, picking up his spoon.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I replied with a saucy wink. I made sure to bend over to retrieve some fruit from the crisper drawer of the fridge, giving a little wiggle of my hips. Darn those strawberries for lurking at the bottom of the drawer!

"I'm talking about your outfit," Edward growled. I smirked as I noticed his cock raising a jaunty salute in approval of my apparel through his boxer-briefs.

"Well, we're just going to be cleaning today and you know how hot and sweaty these hormones are making me," I retorted with faux innocence.

"Hrmph," was all Edward said, readjusting himself before digging into his bowl of All-Bran mixed with Cookie Crisp.

Edward and I had not had sex in eight whole days. We'd been watching a Seinfeld marathon one night when the episode featuring the, 'Master of Your Domain,' came on. Edward had challenged me to see which one of us would win the title of Master over our Domain. The rules were simple: no touching of ourselves or each other in naughty ways. Only closed mouth kissing was allowed; even church tongue was verboten. Holding hands was fine. The first person to crack by either touching themselves or the other person would be the loser. The loser had to act out a fantasy of the winner's choosing.

The first couple of days had been fairly smooth sailing. We held hands and snuggled up to read or watch television. Our touches were innocent, a reminder of the beginning of our relationship. Then on the fourth day Edward had gotten down and dirty. He had volunteered to address and stamp envelopes the Dr's Cullen would be sending out to all of their patients containing a newsletter wishing them a happy and healthy New Year.

I found Edward in the kitchen that night folding newsletters deftly with his dexterous fingers. The same dexterous fingers that could make me come in under a minute. The same fingers that he used to caress and tease every inch of my body until I was begging for release. I actually whimpered as his tongue snaked out to lick an envelope. I was jealous of the damn envelope. I wanted him to work his tongue over my pussy so badly I had to sit down and place my hands on the table to prevent myself from touching my naughty places.

I decided then and there it was on like Donkey Kong.

I had tortured Edward for the next several days with increasingly skimpy lingerie. I'd hidden a pair of my drenched panties in his pillow case so that he would smell how aroused he had me when he climbed into bed. He retaliated by leaving a pair of his tighty whities in my pillow case the next night. Damn my hormones for making me so susceptible to his scent!

I had spent the last several days in a hormone leaden cloud of lust. I was going to make a man out of Edward tonight, bet be damned. We were having our parents over for Christmas breakfast the next morning, and I refused to spend another family gathering hiding out in the bathroom for a quick fuck. I wanted to take my time enjoying Edward.

My competitive nature would not allow me to merely throw the competition. I had to heat things up enough to break Edward. My plan was brilliant in its simplicity. I was just going to spend the day pretending I wasn't interested in throwing Edward down and ravaging him on the nearest available flat surface. I figured this would only serve to pique Edward's interest. I just had to remind myself to avoid ogling, eye-fucking, flirting, teasing, titillating and otherwise stimulating my sex-on-legs husband for the day. If that failed I would just have to give him his Christmas present a little early. He'd liked his cockring so much, I'd gotten him a full set of them.

I looked up from my bowl of Trix in time to catch Edward quirking his eyebrow at me. I realized then that I had been squirming rather inappropriately in my chair while plotting Edward's downfall. I blushed and ceased dryhumping the furniture.

Edward and I loaded the dishwasher in the kind of companionable silence achieved by years of intimacy. Edward volunteered to vacuum while I started to bake a loaf of sweet potato bread for Charlie. I started a batch of cookies while Edward dusted and cleaned the bathroom downstairs. Edward and I put on some music and had a fun afternoon decorating the sugar cookies and gingerbread men. I set the dining room table with the fancy Christmas napkins and placemats while Edward polished the silver.

"Edward, I'm going to clean our bathroom upstairs. Could you please change the towels in the bathrooms for fresh ones and put the dirty ones in the wash?" I asked.

"Anything for you," Edward agreed with a kiss to the top of my head.

Edward entered the bathroom in our bedroom as I was cleaning the tiles in the shower. I was scrubbing around the taps when I accidentally-but-totally-on-purpose twisted the knob slightly. I was hit by a quick burst of cold water. I squeaked and quickly turned the water off.

Edward rushed to my side to make sure I was okay. He stopped short when he saw the condition my clothing was in. The water had rendered my shirt see-through. My dusky nipples would have been visible even if they hadn't been threatening to poke right through the thin material clinging to my flesh.

"Oops," I said, trying to look innocent. Edward actually growled at me before stomping out of the room. Hot damn if that growl hadn't gotten me wetter than my impromptu shower. I felt really bad about upsetting Edward, so I quietly went after him to apologize. I didn't feel bad enough to change out of my transparent outfit, especially with Edward so close to his breaking point.

Edward wasn't in the kitchen, laundry room, living room or study. He wasn't in the dining room or the back porch. That left the guest bathroom. The door was closed and I approached it with caution. As I was nearing the door I heard Edward grunt. It sounded like his sex grunt. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt; after all, he did mix his Cookie Crisp with All Bran. One thing was clear: Edward was taking care of business. The murky part? Which business was Edward taking care of.

I decided to sneak up on him all stealth and ninja like. I crept up to the door and slowly turned the knob. Years of living with Charlie had given me catlike break and enter skills. I quickly thrust the door open and yelled, "Hah!"

Edward looked up at me like I'd caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. Only in this case, the cookie jar was his penis. The noise of my rather sudden entrance caused Edward to whip around reflexively. I guess going for so long without groin fun had given Edward a sensitive trigger. It was possible that the adrenaline of being caught with his pants down may have contributed to what happened next. Before I could gloat about my victory, Edward shot off a rather large load of jizz. At me.

"Cocksucking motherfucker!" I yelled as Edward's semen landed in my eye for the second time in my life. That man was going to do some serious damage to my cornea with his baby batter. I punched Edward in his man-mary gland as hard as I could before turning to rinse my eye under the tap. At that point I was so enraged by the pain and hormones I was seeing red out of the one eye that wasn't blinded.

"Shit, Bella. I am so sorry," Edward said, rubbing his sore he-tit.

"Is this some strange fetish you've got going on? Huh? Are you trying to fucking blind me?!" I screeched. The dogs of the neighborhood howled in harmony with my harpy war cry. Edward winced and apologized again. I pinched his nipple and followed it with another punch.

"C'mon baby, let me make it up to you?" he cajoled, reaching out to me. I wasn't about to let him off the hook so easily.

"No, I really don't feel sexy right now," I sniffled, walking away. I stormed off to the dining room to rearrange the plates, my eye watering and burning as I shifted the cutlery around so that it was lined up perfectly next to the plates. Organization was my heroin when I was pissed off. There was nothing more calming that mind-numbing busy work.

I was fussing around to arrange origami flowers out of the napkins when I felt Edward's gaze on me. I sat down, resolving to hang onto my anger.

"You won," Edward offered meekly as his opening volley. Conceding his defeat would not soften me. He was not going to get out of this one by being cute or playing on my freakish pregnancy hormones.

"I'm pretty sure I got the booby prize," I retorted disdainfully.

"Okay, we'll go with that," Edward agreed.

I studiously fiddled with the paper flower in my hand when I felt Edward's large hands resting on my shoulders. I closed my eyes and bit back a moan when I felt his hands slip under my shirt.

"How's this for a booby prize?" Edward whispered into my ear, teasing my nipples lightly with his fingertips.

I sat still as a stone. I would not give in, no matter how wet Edward's fingers were making my squishy girl parts. I didn't vocalize my disappointment when Edward stopped tweaking my nipples. I didn't look him in the eye when he knelt in front of my chair and I didn't make it easy on him to remove my shorts. I stared up at the ceiling when I felt his breath, hot and heavy flowing over my pussy. I didn't thrust my hips forward when he gently parted my folds, revealing my pink parts to him.

I crushed the napkin in my hand when Edward sucked my clit into his mouth and let out a shaky breath when he flicked it rapidly with his tongue. I squirmed in my seat when Edward slipped his tongue into my pussy, still not willing to look at him. He moaned into me, vibrating a tangle of pleasure that rippled out from my clit to my limbs. My fingers involuntarily found themselves tangled in his hair, pinning him to my center as I thrust my hips towards him. I still didn't look at him.

When my orgasm suddenly pulled me under I looked Edward dead in the eye, calling his name as I rode out my pleasure. Edward wasn't finished with me. He let me down and used his fingers and tongue to build me back up. Again and again I came, my walls crumbling more and more until I pushed Edward away from me.

"Stop," I murmured, too sensitive to continue.

"Am I forgiven?" he asked quietly, resting his head on my twitching thigh.

I looked down at Edward's puppy dog eyes. How could I stay mad at the man whose mouth was swollen and shining with the effort of his oral penance?

"Yeah," I said, letting him off the hook. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch about it. I guess it wasn't really your fault. I did surprise you in a rather vulnerable moment."

"Speaking of, your wish is my command," Edward said with a wink. "What would my lady like?"

"I'm not telling you yet," I said with a smirk. I hadn't actually decided on what fantasy of mine I wanted to act out with Edward, but he didn't need to know that.

Edward chuckled and kissed my inner thigh. He helped me out of the chair and we made extra cheesy macaroni and cheese together for dinner. The rest of the evening was spent preparing for the next day. Edward and I were getting ready to go to bed, but my eye was still bothering me.

"Edward, could you take a look at my eye? It still really hurts," I asked.

Edward pulled me into the bathroom and I flinched away from the bright light. I squirmed to get away, but Edward held my face firmly.

"Shit, honey, this is really red," Edward said, his voice full of concern. "I think we should take you to the ER."

We redressed, and I donned a pair of Edward's sunglasses before leaving the house. We were waiting in triage while the holiday festivity victims with more serious injuries were tended to. It was nearing midnight when we were finally called in.

"Mrs. Cullen, you seem to have some sort of debris stuck to your cornea," the doctor diagnosed after shining some intense light into my already hurting eye. "I'll be able to take it out without too much trouble."

I blushed to the roots of my hair. Edward held my hand as the doctor gently swabbed my eye before putting some antibiotic drops in and securing a patch over it.

"You'll need to keep that patch on for at least twenty four hours. If your eye feels okay when you take it off, you should be fine. If you have any continuing discomfort, you need to come back and see me," the doctor advised me.

Edward and I were making our way through the ER, wishing each other a Merry Christmas as it was now officially past midnight when we heard a familiar voice from behind one of the curtains.

"Bells? Is that you?" Charlie asked.

I threw open the nearest curtain only to find a sleeping senior citizen with a bare ass hanging out of his gown. I quickly closed that curtain and considered myself blessed that I only had sight in one eye at the moment.

"Charlie?" I called out quietly. He responded and I was able to find the correct cubicle. Fortunately my Dad's position as Chief of Police afforded him the dignity of keeping his own clothes on. I would hate to find him with his ass hanging out of a flimsy gown.

"What happened to you?" I exclaimed, seeing the large bandage that had been placed over Charlie's hand.

"I cut my hand wrapping presents," he muttered glumly, waving his injured appendage. "What happened to you?"

Again, I blushed. Edward smoothly stepped in and explained that I had some debris stuck in my eye, most likely from all the cleaning we'd been doing that day. I shot him a grateful look out of my one good eye. I was relieved that I wouldn't have to explain to Charlie that I'd had a piece of crusted Edward spunk stuck in my eye. I made a mental note to write Visene and let them know they really should make a Visene for that. If it can happen to me twice, it could happen to anyone.

"You should consider using gift bags next year," I advised Charlie before wishing him a Merry Christmas.

We were a tired group the next morning when we assembled to celebrate. Alice and Jasper were spending Christmas with his parents in Texas so that they could spend next Christmas with us and our baby. Carlisle and Esme arrived first, bringing boxes of gifts and a basket of fresh baked muffins. Charlie arrived moments later toting a laundry basket full of presents.

We had all arranged a Secret Santa to stuff the stockings this year. I was lucky enough to draw Edward's name. Edward had panicked over what to buy for Charlie until I told him that I'd already purchased everything needed for Charlie's stocking.

I cried a little when Esme produced a hand embroidered stocking for the baby, filled with onsies, baby socks, pacifiers and other supplies. Charlie blushed redder than myself when I pulled nursing pads out of my stocking. Everyone laughed when Edward opened a gift bag to find a bib that said, "My Dad's Cooler Than Your Dad!"

Edward's gift to me was something that I will cherish forever. It was a recording of Edward playing his very own composition on the piano. He had written an entire piece of music using the recording of our baby's heartbeat as his rhythm. It started off as a light, airy piece, bouncy and happy. I could hear his excitement about becoming a father woven through the little soprano trills. The strength of his love and dedication was evident in the strong, staccato chords that supported the structure of the piece. It was beautiful.

Edward's gift to the baby was no less endearing. He had stealthily recorded my heartbeat while I slept and used it as his metronome to record several lullabies for our baby. The slow, steady beat of my heart throbbed quiet but sure behind the sounds of Edward playing several well known songs, as well as a couple of songs he had written for me.

Esme and I were both in tears by the time Edward's CD had finished playing. Edward lightened the mood by presenting me with one final gift for the baby. As it turns out, he and Charlie were given the wrong time when they called to check on the new homeowner's basics course at Home Depot. As a consequence, they'd shown up an hour too early and were bombarded with the sound of two dozen tiny hammers. The associate running the Kid's Workshop had an extra kit and a large heart and let Edward have a little father/son-in-law bonding time. Edward was clearly proud of his creation as I unwrapped the piggy bank shaped like a fire engine. Esme, Carlisle and Charlie declared it the perfect place to start our baby's college fund, and they all contributed.

It was the best Christmas I'd ever experienced, even if I did look like a pirate in the pictures.

* * *

**M'kay, so Bella won the bet. What is her fantasy? Well, my naughty little readers, feel free to let me know what you want. Voting/suggestions are open until Sunday, December 6 at midnight EST. I'm not looking necessarily at what suggestion gets the most nods...I'm open to creativity ;)**


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